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Old March 9th, 2012, 05:37 PM   #1
georgiamay
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Name: Georgia
Join Date: February 24, 2010
Location: uk
Age: 22
Gender: Female
Default bleh.

I was going to put this in Family and Friends, but there's more to it so I thought it was better suited here.

Things have managed to get pretty fucked up again. My family seems to just be falling apart, and I can't help but think that I've played a pretty big part in it. When I got home last night at around 9pm, my dad told me that Nicola (my step mum), had had enough of me and wanted me out. She wasn't there at the time, she was out. This happened once before a few months ago. I spent the weekend at my mums, didn't mention anything to her, and when I went back on monday to pack, we kind of made up.

Before, I was being a lazy cow, so I can see why she was pissed off. This time, she looked in my room, saw a few clothes on the floor, and got so pissed off she decided to kick me out again. Does anything think this seems a bit steep, or is it just me? I know that I should keep my room tidy, and I can see why she'd have a go at me when it gets messy, but telling me to get out of the house? That just seems extreme. Not only that, but what fucking right does she have? We're not related, and I know it's her house and shit, but I'm my Dad's daughter. He's said he doesn't want me to leave, and that he's prepared to fight for me again like he did last time, but you know what? I don't see why I should have to fight to live in my own home, I really don't. I know I can stay at my mums, but I went through so much shit getting out of there, it'd seem like such a waste if I just went back.

Mum's got enough on her plate anyway. She's broken up with her boyfriend of 11 years and has to rent out a room to have enough money. The lodger's not there yet, but someone will be moving in soon.

The thing is, me and Nicola just don't get on. We never talk, ever. I try and make an effort, I always go downstairs when she gets home, but she just gives me one word answers and I just give up. We just don't get on, out personalities clash a lot.

She puts my dad in horrible situations. The last time this happened, she said "either she goes, or I go." Coming from his wife, that doesn't seem very loving. She must really fucking hate me to go to such an extreme.

When me and Dad were talking last night, he asked me if I needed to go to the therapist again. I said no. He asked if I've self harmed recently, I said no, and then he asked if I'd made myself sick recently. I said no. He knew I was lying about the last one, because he looked at me and said "really?" In that way.
I told him I'd done it twice. Which was a lie, but he believed it. I don't know exactly how many times I've done it since it started up again, but it's more than two.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore, I keep almost crying, but not crying. I did cry briefly today, but then it just stopped. I don't want to get out of bed, I don't want to move, I don't want to do any work, I don't want to go out, and I don't want to fucking eat, but I always fucking do. I'll never have that control. I wish I did, I wish I could be hungry, look at food and just ignore it.

I hate everything about myself. I hate my appearance in a way that I can't explain. I honestly believe that I'm ugly and fat. Don't you dare tell me that I'm not, because the hell would you say "yeah, you're ugly." You wouldn't. So I won't believe you. I don't believe I'm unattractive, I know I am. I don't know how anyone could ever be attracted to me, ever. It just won't ever happen. It's not fair. Appearance is just chance. It's just the luck of what genes you get. It's not fair, it's not fucking fair.

I'm crashing again and I don't know what to do. This has just turned into a vent session, but I just needed to get it out. I know it sounds pathetic, but can someone please just tell me what to do?
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Old March 9th, 2012, 06:24 PM   #2
CuriousDestruction
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Name: michael
Join Date: June 1, 2009
Location: bay area, california
Age: 24
Gender: Male
Default Re: bleh.

-hugs- My dad's long time girlfriend kicked me out last year for jumping the fence surrounding the backyard. No other reason. I thought it seemed extreme at the time too. So did my dad when he found out. This seems extreme to me too, if I was kicked out of places for leaving my room a mess i'd be homeless.

You have an absolute right to live in your own house and you shouldn't have to fight for that. Come to think of it, she may not have any legal right to live in the house if she's not paying for it. Even if she does, this is ridiculous for her to put you and her dad in this position. But it sounds like you are being the mature one about this rather than the adult in the situation.

All in all, she sounds like a total bitch to me. And the fact that she is causing someone as amazing as you to feel like this really irks me.

You said you don't want anyone to tell you how beautiful you are, so I won't. But I have seen many of your VT posts. And I have seen how you interact with people. You have an incredible mind and personality. And that's not chance. That's you being wonderful. There are so many people that would be lucky to have someone like you, no matter what you think of yourself.

I don't know what to do though. Part of me says slap your step mum in the face, but that would be really really bad in the long run. I am wondering though why you are resistant to see a therapist?

So i'm gonna make my advice as generalized, cliche but still true as possible. Stay strong. You have a wonderful life ahead of you, full of plenty of romantic interests and adventures. And remember that in 10 years when you have moved out and are having a better life than Nicola could ever dream of having, none of this will even matter anymore. <3
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