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Old July 19th, 2011, 03:58 PM   #1
Strange Quark
New Member
Join Date: July 19, 2011
Gender: Male
Default Pure O OCD?

I think I may have Pure O OCD. For at least 1 hour during the day, I obsess. When I was figuring out my sexuality, I would obsess over whether or not I was attracted to guys. I would perform mental checks, if I caught myself looking at a guy I would try to think about a girl and make sure that I wasn't attracted to the guy. I eventually came to terms with the fact that I'm gay, so that obsession stopped. During that whole process and even now, I obsess over thinking that I'm sick. Many times I have almost convinced myself that I had arthritis, rabies, many different allergies, tetanus, cancer of many kinds, etc. I do the same "checking" for symptoms and I find little things that I latch onto as some kind of proof. I always know that I'm wrong, but I can't shake whatever I'm worrying about at the time. If I have a test, I think about all of the possible questions on the test and what could go wrong. It gets terrifying sometimes, especially when I was worried that I was a pedophile or when I'm worried about accidentally hurting someone. It usually also usually takes me about 2 hours after I start trying to go to sleep to actually fall asleep because I'm obsessing. It's been this way for as long as I remember.
I'm not always even worrying about something. Sometimes, I just get caught in a loop of mental rehearsal. For instance, I thought about posting something on here asking for advice many, many nights. I've typed it up on at least 4 different occasions with a couple of different new accounts, but I always exit out because I'm afraid. Sometimes, I'm afraid that I'm right and other times I'm afraid that I'm just causing myself pain by somehow wanting to have POCD. I also frequently mentally rehearse telling all of this to the psychiatrist that I went to when I was younger that helped me with my ADHD (which I haven't been medicated for since I was 13).
My parents offered to take me back to him when they noticed that I was overly anxious and my tics (which seem to come and go with my anxiety) were acting up, but I was afraid that I would explain myself wrong or I would just seem like an overly-dramatic hypochondriac so I told them no.
I think it may be Pure O because I don't really have many compulsions. I check my pockets to make sure nothing has fallen out and I lock doors but that's about all.
I just really want to know what's really wrong with me.Whether I have POCD or something else, I just want to know so that it's not a bogeyman in my closet that I think I can obsess away. Maybe if I can be absolutely sure of what it is, I will be able to deal with it without medication. When I took Adderall XR for my ADHD, I hated it, I felt like I was some kind of zombie. I worried that everything people liked and disliked about me was just the medicine. I felt dehumanized somehow, but I hate when other people aren't happy, so I lived with it because my parents, teachers, and psychiatrist saw me being calm as an improvement. I don't want to go through the same thing again.

Last edited by Strange Quark; July 19th, 2011 at 04:10 PM.
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