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Old June 1st, 2011, 07:52 PM   #1
EarthToBryan
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Name: Bryn
Join Date: May 21, 2011
Location: In the tree by the brook.
Gender: Male
Unhappy An overwhelming sense of apathy and emptyness

For as long as I can remember I have been apathetic about everything. I don't have a hobby that I am passionate about (except for learning/reading), I have never have a girlfriend, I don't have close friends (never really have), I don't play sports, etc. I don't really care for anything or anyone, if you readers watch the show Dexter, Dexter is a spitting image of me, minus the homicidal tendencies.

I feel like I am very empty, no personality, so I just kind of follow everyone else's lead in social situations and take on parts of their personality for a while, until I am back alone. I know that people are the one thing in life that can make you happy, but I feel like I have nothing to contribute to them. I want to make close friends, hell even a best friend or girlfriend, but I feel so apathetic towards doing anything. The conflict of emotions within me has really stressed me out for a long time. I think that the main reason for my lack of social abilities is the fact that I was isolated in the woods for months at a time, with only my family to talk to back when I lived in Michigan. The only person I talked to under 45 for about 6 months at a time was my brother, who is very insensitive and generally mean, but can make best friends in a matter of a month or two.

I don't really have too many emotions, I have noticed that when I do become emotional that I come back to neutral much faster than other people. I have become cynical and step back and look at things from a objective perspective whenever I need to make a Decision (not that I ever MAKE the decision, that might upset someone or maybe expose my emptiness. I just want the interaction to end as painlessly as possible) I have become so preoccupied in trying to avoid upsetting people, or causing conflict that I don't mention things people inadvertently do that might be a bit uncomfortable. A good example is that today I was at the DMV, sitting down in the chairs near the line, and a lady moved in front of me (she didn't notice she was cutting me). Instead of telling her I was in line, or whatever someone is supposed to do, I just let her and a few other people cut me. Whenever I leave or enter a building I hold the door for my mom or dad and then I am so unable to upset someone that I end up holding the door for 5 minutes, trapped there until the flow of people stops.

This overwhelming sense of apathy towards life, inability to put myself into situations where people might get upset and the nothingness that I am (or have become, I don't know which) have really been dragging me down. I feel apathetic now towards the only thing I have ever been passionate about, school. I love learning with a passion but now my eyes un-focus and I feel a wave of hopelessness rush through me whenever I have to do anything, even things I used to love to do, mainly reading. I feel numb and hollow. I just want to melt into a puddle and never have anyone bother me again.

What is it that is different with me, why can't I just be happy and have stupid hobbies or get passionately in a crush with someone or get caught up in my spur of the moment emotions? I don't want to be some primal jerk, like most of the people I know, and I don't want to be ignorant, but it seems like that is the only way to be happy.

Well, damn. This whole life thing... It kind of sucks right now.

Last edited by EarthToBryan; June 1st, 2011 at 07:55 PM.
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Old June 1st, 2011, 09:11 PM   #2
Rubber
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Join Date: July 18, 2008
Gender: Male
Default Re: An overwhelming sense of apathy and emptyness

you dont have to really have a hobby or be in any relationships to have "emotions". and it seems you do have a lot to say considering this post. Just try to voice your opinon more in social situations. I know its really hard, trust me, im terrible at it as well, but if your around a conversation dont be afraid to butt in and voice wut you think. I also dont have a hobby, and have never been in a relationship. (cuz social anxiety ). But yeah, the best advice i can give you is not to go searching for a relationship. SOoner or later they always come around for everyone. And if you want a hobby, then pick up a musical instrument. thts what im trying to start doing, cuz i also have nothing really interesting about me, so yeah i get where your coming from.
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Old June 2nd, 2011, 12:45 PM   #3
EarthToBryan
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Name: Bryn
Join Date: May 21, 2011
Location: In the tree by the brook.
Gender: Male
Default Re: An overwhelming sense of apathy and emptyness

Thanks for the post Rubber. I am learning the guitar this summer from a guy I know, and I do talk to people in social situations, but I feel that it is just a guise. I don't care about anything they talk about, I just put in my 2 cents to seem normal. I would love to be in a relationship with someone, but I am very shy about making commitments or being the first person to make a move that I feel like I can't. If there was a girl/guy in my grade that made a move on me I would absolutely go for it, but I am so bad at reading signals in social situations or knowing when to stop that I have a very hard time making any bonds. I have always had friends, but I don't really care about them personally, I have just always been told I need friends so I maks some, But I don't feel anything special between us.

Well, damn. This whole life thing... It kind of sucks right now.
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Old June 3rd, 2011, 04:19 AM   #4
Cap'nCrunch
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Join Date: July 25, 2005
Gender: Male
Default Re: An overwhelming sense of apathy and emptyness

It sounds to me like you may be suffering from depression. The feelings you express remind me a lot of my own feelings towards other people and life in general. Do you have any family history of mental illness/depression? I think you should schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist, possibly with a psychotherapist. I find talk therapy much less helpful than drug therapy, personally.

PhD student - Organic Chemistry

I don't read an entire thread before I respond; I try to answer the question quickly and concisely.
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