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Old May 12th, 2011, 11:29 PM   #41
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Default Re: I made a plan.

Quote:
Think of the biggest, most precious thing in your life, put in words, then work your heart out for it, and forget everything else right now.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rlw7q...layer_embedded

(This is some of the best advice I've heard for suicide, hope it helps)

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Old May 13th, 2011, 01:17 AM   #42
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Default Re: I made a plan.

Louise

If you went through with this, you have no idea how much I'd miss you. We haven't even met yet, how I never meet you?
You're not even a quatre of the way through your life yet, and you want to just throw it all away? You have no way of seeing the future. Things might seem hopeless now, but in the future things could be different, very different. If you went, you'd miss out on so much. And I don't want to sound selfish, but I don't think I'd be okay if you went.
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Old May 13th, 2011, 03:30 AM   #43
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Default Re: I made a plan.

Sorry this is such a long reply. :/

Quote:
Originally Posted by MadManWithaBox View Post
If have these kind of plans, then clearly you can't. You don't have to do it alone.
But I want to do it alone, I don’t want to rely on people because those people always leave, no doing it alone is what is best for me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by JunkBondTrader View Post
I agree with Matt.
Louise, you are clearly going through hell right now. But at the same time you're refusing to admit that anything's wrong.
I don’t refuse to admit anything is wrong it’s just I know what is wrong and that’s just me, nothing else it’s just me. I’m the problem now and I always will be.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fiction View Post
]Louise you have no fucking idea how much I would miss you. You're honestly one of my best friends
I’m sorry that you will miss me, but I wouldn’t change it, I’ve loved getting to know you, and I’d hate it if you weren’t in my life so even if it’s selfish I’d rather you missed me than I didn’t know you at all. I promise you I’ll try, I’ll try to still be here to see you again.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fiction View Post
One day you'll look back at this, and remember how strong you where to get through this.
Sometimes I want that, I hope that one day I’ll wake up, be “better” and be proud of myself but in reality I don’t think that’s going to happen.

Quote:
Originally Posted by dreamsofsomeday View Post
There must be a very good reason you are still here. I don't know if you are religious, but God definitely has a plan for you.
No I’ve never believed in God, and even if I had I wouldn’t anymore not with everything he has done to me. I don’t believe there is anything out there at all. That’s why death would be good, I highly doubt there is anything after life and that’s what I want, nothing. If there is an afterlife I’m going to be highly disappointed.

And Joe i watched the video, thanks for sharing it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by georgiamay View Post
If you went through with this, you have no idea how much I'd miss you. We haven't even met yet, how I never meet you? And I don't want to sound selfish, but I don't think I'd be okay if you went.
I’m sorry, the last thing I want is to cause anybody pain, or make anybody miss me but I guess having lived there was never anyway I could make this decision and hurt no one. You don’t sound selfish far from it, it is me who’s selfish I just want to give up. And I’m sorry.

You say things will be different and you are all right, but no one really knows if they’ll be good different. And what if I’m not brave enough to find out.


Happiness is not a state to arrive at, but a manner of travelling.


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Old May 13th, 2011, 04:50 AM   #44
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Default Re: I made a plan.

Hun, im trying to come up with solutions here. We all are, let us help you.
How you're feeling obviously isn't helped by looming GCSE exams.
Even if you do not do as well as you want, if you tell an adult about the difficulties you're having the exam board will give you extra consideration. Also you could get extra time in exams. On top of this, if you don't do well enough to get into college [which is usually 5 passes including Maths and English]
then you can re-sit your GCSE's, its possible you can go to an insititution that allows you to re-sit, a college, or even stay on another year at school.

I performed badly in my GCSEs, but got into college, I dropped out after two months and was suicidal. I told the college about my difficulties and they said I was welcome to try again next year; at the time I firmly believed I was never going to go back.
Afterwards I didn't leave the house for 4 months and had frequent counselling which was challenging. Eventually I returned to college part time and I re-sat the GCSE's that I'd failed.
I re-applied for my A levels last year and they were so understanding. I'm now almost 2 years older than my classmates, and I will be older than most when I go to university; but I couldn't care less I'm so pleased to have a second chance.

I'm having a bad patch again right now and haven't attended college for a month or so. I had a chat with my senior tutor, explained I was struggling and now my teachers are sending work home and I'll go in for my exams while I get back on my feet.

Really Louise, if you tell people and are open, and I'm not going to say its all fun and games- tbh it may be one of the most difficult things you ever do-explaining to teachers, doctors and your family- and not everyone will understand, but honestly screw them. The majority only want to help, I have had amazing support all because I bit the bullet and opened up, let myself be vulnerable and accepted help.

I sincerely urge you to do the same. Theres a way for you to re-sit your GCSEs, still go to college and achieve whatever you want. I can promise that. Would you at least try and speak to your teachers and family about your concerns? before you make any final decisions. You might find it really takes the pressure off.
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Old May 13th, 2011, 04:57 AM   #45
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Default Re: I made a plan.

How do i say this without sounding really up myself? I don't think there is a way. When i say i'm failing, i mean i'm not getting A's. I know its stupid and i'm about 90% certain i can get C's in everything without revising, without doing anything. But that's not good enough for me, i can't re-sit. I'm a perfectionist i guess thats yet another reason i self harm. For me to be happy i need B's preferably A's.

But i've been slipping recently in everything because i can't be bothered anymore, all of this exams, work everything is so i can have a future when i'm not certain i want one of those anymore.

Whats the point in worrying if i don't want to make september, i don't want to still be around when i should be starting A levels. So why am i bothered by my GCSEs i really don't know.

But thanks, i'm glad you got back on your feet, and everything worked out for you.


Happiness is not a state to arrive at, but a manner of travelling.


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Old May 13th, 2011, 05:29 AM   #46
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Default Re: I made a plan.

my goodness louise! if you can pass thats better than most, half of 16 year olds in the UK don't even leave school with 5 passes!

I do understand the perfectionism. Its a bitch. But GCSEs arent even considered by universities anymore, if thats what you're worried about. Having a perfect record? A levels are all that count.
it is difficult when you have no motivation, but you probably havent fallen as far behind as you think. We often exaggerate negative things and lose perspective on the reality of things. I think the reality is you're a very smart girl with a great life ahead of her who's being extremely hard on herself.
it sounds like youre placing A LOT of importance on a set of exams that realistically, don't define you, are not a measure of you as a person, they don't accurately measure intelligence at all!

Haha I wouldnt say things worked out entirely hun, but I wanted to show you there's always hope and a way around.
i really think you should open up to a friend, family member, doctor about how you're feeling.
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Old May 13th, 2011, 05:34 AM   #47
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Default Re: I made a plan.

Thanks i already have two GCSE's only 3 more to go. But i don't know its not just school that makes me like this, i don't know what it is. But i think if school was all it was i could do it. But it's not it's all the other crap too. And for me the thought of it all just being over, done with, finished, well thats just too tempting. It sounds a whole lot better than life.
I have opened up, my doctor knows i cut myself. The rest i can do by myself.


Happiness is not a state to arrive at, but a manner of travelling.


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Old May 13th, 2011, 05:42 AM   #48
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Default Re: I made a plan.

im sure you havent told your doctor about planning to kill yourself
they could organise a crisis team to help you, put you on meds, speed up your counselling
aren't you willing to try this first? exhaust all avenues of making yourself feel better before you do anything drastic
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Old May 13th, 2011, 05:48 AM   #49
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Default Re: I made a plan.

Well know i haven't told her like out right, but i'm pretty sure she knows maybe not that i've planned to do it but certainly that i've thought about it. She took my mobile number the other day, made me promise to go home and revise, don't go anywhere until she'd phoned me, i'm pretty sure she thought she needed to check up on me.

I don't know maybe i want to try it, but it'll take so long and i really can't take months and months more of feeling this, say i don't die, feeling like this'll break me. I won't be the same.


Happiness is not a state to arrive at, but a manner of travelling.


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Old May 13th, 2011, 05:54 AM   #50
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Default Re: I made a plan.

it will not take long. if you tell your doctor about 'the plan' they will prescribe anti-depressants straight away, they will have to keep a constant eye on you to ensure you don't hurt yourself and always be on hand for support
they will organise a crisis team as quickly as possible.

Feeling like this, is a temporary mindset, no matter how long we experience depression there will always be small moments of light we need to cling onto.

You're right hun, you won't be the same- you will be so much stronger for experiencing this and getting through it.
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Old May 13th, 2011, 06:01 AM   #51
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Default Re: I made a plan.

She said i'm 16, she won't describe pills, and i'm not depressed anyway so that wouldn't help. I'd rather people didn't keep a constant eye on me, i self harm i hurt myself regularly and i'd rather not be stopped. It's already a bad enough atmosphere between me and people when i buy items i could in theory use to cut with, i don't want to have to watch peoples expressions when i buy tablets too.

I hear that a lot "you'll be stronger" well what if i don't want to be stronger what if i just want to stop hurting? I don't mind being weak, never reaching my full potential or whatever so long as it stops and i don't hurt anymore.


Happiness is not a state to arrive at, but a manner of travelling.


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Old May 13th, 2011, 06:16 AM   #52
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Default Re: I made a plan.

if she won't prescribe pills, a pyschiatrist will. I know 16-17 year old on anti-depressants; so it is possible.
I firmly believe you are depressed, I have a hard time admitting it to myself, but filling out check lists in the doctors office I rated mod-severe depression. Have you asked yourself what actually qualifys to making you depressed?
>not having interest in things you previously did
>not being able to find enjoyment in things
>not caring about the future or seeing yourself with one
>having thoughts to harm yourself
>feelings of worthlessness and being a failure
>thoughts life is not worth living and you'd be better off dead

sound familiar? :/
maybe if you accepted that you were suffering with a mental illness, not just 'you'- it would be easier for you to get help.
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Old May 13th, 2011, 06:21 AM   #53
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Default Re: I made a plan.

I don't want to be depressed, its a lot easier to just be me.
Just because those happen to be the symptoms for depression, it doesn't mean i have it that uld just be me and my personality could be like someone who is depressed except i'm not.


Happiness is not a state to arrive at, but a manner of travelling.


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Old May 13th, 2011, 06:27 AM   #54
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Default Re: I made a plan.

im really sorry you feel like that , I do think youre in denial and no offence meant at all! just a difference of opinion
but of course remember we all want you to be happy and get through this, we're just trying to remind you never to give up.
heres my slightly embarassing addy from when I was 14 if you ever need to talk:
[email protected]
OR
[email protected] [which i use for email]

are you still set on your plan?
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Old May 13th, 2011, 06:42 AM   #55
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Default Re: I made a plan.

Thanks, i'm not sure. I thought about moving it forward which i know goes against all the advice given. But i don't think i can get everything by then and sort everything out so i may have to stick to the original plan.
But that's ok it gives me a few weeks, no one needs to be worried not that i'm suggesting you would be. Two people know the date and they don't seem concerned, ok thats a lie they were concerned but not like immediatly worried so no one else needs to be either.


Happiness is not a state to arrive at, but a manner of travelling.


hello
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