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Old September 1st, 2010, 03:23 PM   #1
galigator8509
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Join Date: September 1, 2010
Age: 26
Gender: Female
Default OCD: My Worst Nightmare.

I have now more than ever, begun to realize just how much of an affect OCD has on my life, everyday.

The headaches I get, the stress, and anxiety it causes me on a regular basis, now has me on edge.

And everyday I feel like its a struggle, to not breakdown.

I dont even want to get out of bed, or move of the couch, because I know as soon as I get up, its just going to be more difficult than necessary to do easy, and simple tasks.



I feel like if I dont preform these rituals that something bad is going to happen, and I know that if I do these, than everything will be fine.

If I dont do these things listed below, its like my throat begins to tighten, and I get really tense, I can feel the anxiety inside me building, and I have to go back, and do it until it feels right.

I know a lot of this probably sounds really crazy, to a lot of you, but its actually a really big deal.

If I dont do the things listed below, I have to go back, and start them over.




Listed below are some, but not all of the things that I have to deal with:
  • I have to get dressed in a certain pattern.
  • I have to get undressed in a certain pattern.
  • I have to take a shower in a certain pattern.
  • I have to always, take my right show off first, followed by my left.
  • I have to turn everything to the left, and it can not be to the right.
  • I have to run my hands under the water a certain amount of times, when washing them.
  • I have to dry off my right hand first, and then my left last.
  • I have to run to the front door after coming home, if its dark outside.
  • I have to make sure I roll up my windows, put the radio station back on the one it was on before I got in the car, lock my doors, and get out of my car without touching anything in the process.
  • I have to rinse my dishes out a certain number of times, and then the last time, make sure I leave water in it.
  • If I type on the computer, or text, and miss spell a word by one letter, instead of only erasing the one wrong letter, I have to erase the whole word, and retype it.
  • All my facebook statuses have to be uncapitalized, unless their about my boyfriend, then they have to be capitalized, and puncuated correctly.
  • If I talk about Jerry in a status, then at the end of every status I have to write "I love my boyfriend!!! <3" with three exclamation points, a smiley face, and a heart.
  • I have to take my horse up in a certain pattern.
  • If I get ice cubes out of the freezer for my drink, it has to be five ice cubes, and if the glass is too small then it has to be three.
  • If I fast forward something on the TV it has to fast forward with four arrows, and rewind with two or more.
  • If I fast forward a little into something, I have to rewind back to the previous commercial before I can continue watching it.
  • I have to read a certain way, and continue reading that way through out the whole book, if I change the way im reading, I have to go back to where I was before I changed it, and start over.
  • If im reading, and my mind starts to get side tracked about something else, I have to go back to where I started getting side tracked, and start reading it over.
  • If I say something bad, or mean, I have to pray about it, but I continually have to repeat certain phrases in my prayer, until it feels right, and comforting.
  • If I pick something up, I have to make sure to put it back the same exact way it was before I touched it, and I have to keep moving it, until I feel its in the right spot.
  • I cant take the bracelets off my wrist, even though I want too, because im afraid if I do, something bad is going to happen.
  • When I go to take a shower, I have to make sure the door is shut in a certain way, and have to keep doing it, until it is shut the way I think is correct.
  • If I accidentally touch, or hit something, I have to purposely touch it with the same body part, and then touch it continually with my left hand.
  • If I touch something with my right hand, I have to in change touch it with my left.
  • I have to touch things with my left hand, and it has to be the last one to touch something.
  • When someone asks me "Whats up?" I always have to reply with "Nothing really, you?" no matter what im doing.
  • Whenever someone asks me "How are you?" I always have to reply with "Good, you?" even if im not good at all.
  • Even if I see something where it shouldnt be, like a water bottle on the floor for example, I cant pick it up, and put it where it belongs, because I feel like maybe somebody had it there for a reason, and if I move it, something bad will happen to me.
  • I have a certain routine of things I have to say to Jerry everynight before we go to bed, and every morning before he leaves for work.
  • When im on the computer, I have to click certain places on the browser, before I can type in my email, and password.
  • I usually dont like peoples pictures, or statuses, or comments on them, or their statuses because I feel like by doing so, it will jinx me.
  • If the cursor is out of the box to right in, and its not centered, I have to click outside the box, and click inside it again, with the cursor centered before I can type.
  • I have to have more than one tab opened on my computer, and the first one always has to be Facebook, and the second one always has to be Gmail, regardless of whether im actually using them or not.
  • I cant listen to songs about cheating, relationships ending, or anything bad like that, if one comes on ill change the station, or song, because I feel like by listening to that song it will happen to me, and become my life.
  • I have to rinse my mouth of a certain amount of times after brushing my teeth.
  • I cant have people in the bathroom with me, while im brushing my teeth, and if people are home I have to shut the door.
  • Tops, to a container, have to be put on the same way, so the top, and the front look exactly the same.
  • I have to put the money back in my wallet a certain way, and when putting my wallet back in my purse I have to have it facing a certain way in my purse, otherwise I cant move until its right.
  • My glasses always have to be put back in their case after being warn, a certain way, and facing a specific direction.
  • If I go to take something out of the cupboard, or drawer, like utensils, or cups, plates, and bowls I have to take the first one I look at, whether its the one I want or not.
  • If im getting dressed in the morning, I have to wear the first thing I also look at, whether or not I want to wear that outfit that day or not.
  • If I yawn without covering my mouth, I have to do a fake yawn, act like its real, and then cover my mouth that time around, to make up for the time I didnt cover my mouth.

I have extremely bad fears of the following:
  • Being sick, getting sick, people being sick, or even hearing any word that has to do with involvement of sickness.
  • I have a fear of germs.
  • I have a very big fear of weight gain.
  • These really are only a few of what I deal witrh on a day to day basis, and I have very many more things that I havent listed.

Its extremely hard to remember all I do, unless im catching myself while im doing them, which causes me to remember.

The reason why I do most of these like I said, is because I feel like something bad is going to happen to me, and I feel like if I dont do them, then everything that I fear most, is going to come true.



I wish I had a way, to overcome this, and not let it take over my life anymore!

crumbcakengaligator <3
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Old September 4th, 2010, 08:59 PM   #2
Contra
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Name: Bernardo
Join Date: August 25, 2009
Location: Portugal
Age: 22
Gender: Male
Blog Entries: 6
Default Re: OCD: My Worst Nightmare.

Hey,

That sounds horrible, but I understand it, sweetie. I saw on the news a report about OCD and I see how you suffer, how you feel unable to control your actions and thoughts.
I think it's already a good thing that you know the thing that triggers all that, the fear of happening something. I know you want to get rid of all that, so I recommend attacking it from all fronts.

Are you already on therapy? If not, I highly suggest you to do it.
Then there is the medical way, there are drugs, used to fight depression, that help you control those actions and being able to not do them, if that's your decision.
Combining both, therapy and medication, is the most effective way to treat it.

Then there are other ways, like herbs, a more alternative way to control the OCD, for example St. Johns Wort and Passiflora.
Being confronted with your fear and why you feel it so many times, therefore leading you to those behaviours, helps you being able to control it, thus the rituals you follow.
Another way, is counteracting those rituals, with the help of a therapist, or if you prefer, a friend, boyfriend or family member. Like, the running your hands under water a certain amount of times action, the person you choose can help you doing it just once, to get it out of your system. That, combined with the other treatments, should annihilate not only that ritual, but the other ones too.

I know it's easy to talk, but never lose hope and confidence in yourself. Don't seclude yourself from the rest of the people, find comfort with your friends and family, they can help you get through it. Best of luck, hun
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