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Old May 22nd, 2017, 07:51 PM   #13
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gherkin2pickle's Forum Picture
Name: Bre
Join Date: July 24, 2016
Location: Neverland
Gender: Female

Sorry again.

I didn't make it.

That's okay though, I'm really happy that my friend got it ^.^ He deserves it so much more, and has worked so much harder than me. I even told my directors that when they gave me the news today. They praised me for being so gracious, and said that it was a really tough decision. They chose him over me because they think I should take another year to really come out of my shell a bit more, become an even more "out there" type of person. They want to give me some more time to grow before throwing me into the thick of it, so I'll be prepared when I hopefully try out again next year (I don't know if I will). Which I really appreciate. That's very thoughtful of them.
I didn't think I'd be very upset if I got bad news. I've always wanted him to get it over me, so I am very happy for him. And yet, when I walked out of the director's office, I started crying. Like, REALLY bad. I hid behind my hair the rest of the time, but I'm sure everyone knew. There was a trumpet player gawking at me the entire time, which made it even worse.
I'm not mad at my band directors. I'm not mad at my best friend. I'm not blaming anybody. I'm just mad at myself for not being ready. They told me, in a gentle way, that I'm simply too shy to be drum major. Which I had already determined. Yet, I thought I made a lot of progress in the last month or so. I was really starting to feel comfortable in my own skin, just from attending those practices. But, I guess it wasn't enough. And that's okay. I'm okay with that.
But I'm not okay with how I handled it. After class when I was putting my instrument away and fighting back the inevitable tears, my friend came over and said that when I was done, he needed to hug me. I tried to speak to him, but I couldn't do it. He gave me an awkward side hug, and I was screaming at myself to stop worrying everybody and making a scene. It's just a freaking audition, not the end of the world. But I couldn't stop crying. The tears would not stop, no matter how many times I told myself that everything was okay and that I was being foolish. I just couldn't stop. And he tried to help, he really did. He was so super sweet about it all, and I'm just so mad at myself for making him worry. I managed to calm down halfway through the next hour, and we met up again so we could walk out to the buses, like we always do. He started talking about it again, but I cut him off and said not to worry about it. I'm fine. It's just a stupid thing. I'll get over it. He protested, bidding me to talk to him whenever I need to. I got on the bus and just let it all out. I don't know if I've ever cried so hard. After we parted ways and I was alone, I literally started to hyperventilate. I could not breathe. It was so incredibly scary. I did my very best to keep it quiet on the bus so I wouldn't bother anyone. I don't know if I succeeded. My earbuds were in and my music was turned all the way up.
I got home, told my mom and said it was no big deal, then went into my room so I could be in peace. I just want to be alone. But everybody keeps saying that they're so proud of me, and that it was a hard thing to do, and there's always next year.
They keep making it worse. I just want to be by myself right now. But nobody seems to understand that.

I'll be okay. My band director said that if his daughter turns out to be like me, that's the highest hope he could have for her. And that it's the biggest compliment he could ever think to give. I just thought it was funny. Who would want their daughter to become an anxious, emotionally unstable attention seeker who hates herself, am I right?

Sorry, bad joke. Anyway, that's all I've got. Thanks for being there for me. I'm sorry if I've disappointed you. I'm just not cut out for this, I guess.
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