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Old July 4th, 2006, 12:48 AM   #1
Junior Member
BP_Saladin's Forum Picture
Join Date: July 1, 2006
Location: Outside the bounds of sanity
Age: 32
Default Don't know what to do

I have no one who can support me. I have no job. I have a meager work history (i.e. the chances of me getting a decent job are slim to none), and my disability not only puts me in pain for day to day tasks, but also wastes away at my body. I never had much of a childhood, and what little social life i've been managing to rummage up keeps falling apart.

What the fuck am I supposed to do? Find some shitty ass job so I can barely pay rent for the rest of my life while I'm in pain day in, day out, untill I become too weak to do even that? The pain just makes my depression worse; who needs a constant physical reminder that they're disabled? Being fit was everything to me, and now I'll never have it again. Everytime I rockclimb, kayak, hike, swim, whatever, I get a nice little reminder of what I once was.

My disability effects my face, too, so it makes me look constatly depressed/ disinterested, so I automatically have a strike against me trying to go into retail; no one wants to by from someone who can't smile.

All told, I can't find a job, and my friend who offered to move in to help me out until I find a job guils me over it every chance he gets, not to mention the arrogant/ignorant bastard always got on my nerves anyways. I feel awful for taking so much from him, and he has the nerve to say to me "I can't support you much longer, or else I won't be able to save up for school." WELL THANKS A FUCKING LOT! Like I don't want to go to college! Like the only place I ever fit in wasn't school. FUCK! YOU!

The government doesn't want to help out, because in their perfect society, I should be able to find some sort of desk job. Oh, you mean one of those jobs that requires 3+ years experience or whatever, unca sam? I don't get scholorships for not having a family. I don't get help for my disability. I don't even have the money to get my medical marijuana card, and even if I did, jobs could still fire me for it if they wanted. I keep getting turned down for food stamps. What the fuck am I supposed to do?!

So I hide all this pain and all this worry because It's what i've always done - i don't know how to do anything else anymore - and cuz it's hard for me to show emotion anymore. No one wants to see that I'm hurting. They just want to see that I'm some pathetic fuck, and make fun of me for being so reserved. Or maybe because I worry so much. Or is it because I think too much. So they ostracize me. Great. That really helps.

I just wanna die, but i'm too poor to buy a gun, and too pussy to do it any other way
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