Thread: fragility
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Old February 6th, 2017, 04:13 PM   #6
bougainvillea
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Name: shanie
Join Date: December 3, 2015
Age: 17
Gender: Female
Blog Entries: 2
Default Re: fragility

I thought it'd be better just to post here instead of making another thread.

I seem to have changed completely from what my problem was before; I can manage fine without self harming. I've gone like 3 weeks clean even if my urges are on and off and that's almost a record if I remember correctly, so I can kinda square that away now, I have that under control for the time being. I know that if I do relapse, that on that day I won't stop harming and it's going to be dangerous and I want to avoid that occurrence due to the fact that it'd mess up a few things and would make me more stressed.

I just feel kind of ... lost, now. I have the crippling weight of exams in 3 months and it's already going to my head with insane paranoia and sometimes I get a tad delusional and think the strangest of things. I'm currently going through the motion of "oh shit what am I going to do with my life in 2 years I'm going to have to fend for myself holy cow what is life" very regularly which is kind of unhealthy but I seriously have no grip on what I want to do with the rest of my life and it's making me insanely worried about the distant future.

I'd still say that I feel suicidal and worthless on a regular basis, but I don't know what to do with it. I just cancel it out, because I still have the large paranoia of telling anyone, like I still get the thoughts that my family are going to be harmed by 'people' - I don't know who they are or what they'd want with my family; it's just a figment of my imagination, I know this, but it's extremely haunting all the same.

I'm trying to revise for these exams, but honestly I have no motivation to do it. I know it fine, and it's only 2 subjects that I struggle in: physics, and French speaking. For some reason, physics just does not seem to go into my head, like it's all written in Greek and I can't understand it. No matter how hard I try it doesn't go in. My teacher doesn't seem to understand it, sInce she's taught me the other 2 sciences and I've excelled in them. She hopes I won't be transferred to a lower class just because of this flub. For French however it's more of a confidence and (lack of) stress and anxiety management issue. At school I should be conferring with learning support within the next couple of days and I should be started some stress and anxiety management for this speaking assessment and hopefully that should be all solved.

I apologise for the long post, and I really hope someone can help me. I feel like I'm close to relapsing, but far from it at the same time. I feel like I constantly need love and support, and the next moment I'll be purposely pushing people away who love me and want to help me. It just makes me want to give up.


~Endeavour was here~
*Mars was here*
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