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Old August 26th, 2012, 08:31 AM   #1
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Join Date: August 26, 2012
Gender: Undisclosed
Default Schizophrenia, overactive imagination, or something else?

So lately I can't get the idea out of my head that I might be schizophrenic. I've read about the symptoms online for hours, but I can't come to a conclusion...

The main thing that's holding me up is that it seems like schizophrenics don't have control of the situation, but I kind of do. I mean, I think that this stuff isn't real, which is pretty uncharacteristic.

I have had a voice in my head/ imaginary friend since 2nd grade, and I'm turning 17 soon. I go through phases where I try to shove him away, but he's been my everything for so long, it's kind of instinctual that he's there. I/we've been in love for years now, and his name is Bruno.

In seventh grade, once when I was trying to sleep, my thoughts got really really loud. I didn't even know that thoughts had volumes until then. It was like someone made them as loud as they could get, and they wouldn't quiet down for a minute or two. It hasn't happened since then though.

I'm not that paranoid during the day, but at night when I'm outside I get terrified that someone's going to kill me. Maybe from behind a tree or bushes. From anywhere. Or everywhere. I have to run inside as fast as I can, especially if I'm alone.

I have a hard time expressing my thoughts and turning them into words. A lot of the time I will be talking with someone and what I say makes absolutely no sense. Other times, I say something out of the blue or something that was being talked about minutes ago, and I don't realize that people won't understand what I'm talking about. Sometimes, even when I explain my logic, it doesn't make any sense to them. Sometimes, their logic doesn't make any sense to me, when it does to everyone else.

Fairly often, someone will say something to me that just doesn't register. Like I didn't hear it or something. I ask them to repeat it, but then ten seconds later, I realize what they were talking about, but by then I have to listen to the whole thing all over again.

I'm prone to getting similar things confused. I was told to put something in the fridge, and I put it in the freezer instead. I get those two mixed up a lot. I can never keep the definition of mandatory straight in my head. I just can't remember if it means required or not.

Fairly often I stop talking in the middle of a sentence, because I just completely forget what I was saying. Now that I think about it, this doesn't really happen when other people talk... Sometimes it's not even quite that I forgot what I was saying. I'll remember what I was saying, but I just can't quite figure out how to say it. Like it's just out of reach or something.

I have moments when I wonder if everything is real. Sometimes I touch walls or things to make sure that they actually exist. I don't have hallucinations or anything, I just get the feeling that my eyes might be playing tricks on me when they aren't.

I'm really really absent minded and forgetful. I also have a habit of things not registering in my brain. Like I notice A and I notice B but I can't put the two together. Maybe someone will get their braces removed. I'll notice that they don't have braces, and they did before, but somehow it doesn't click that that means they got removed. I frequently have the same conversation with someone without remembering what they said before. I might vaguely remember having the conversation, but I won't remember what they said.

I don't have problems socializing with people. I have a lot of friends and I love to hang out with them. I get really nervous calling people though, and I read too much into things or I don't notice other things. I'm always the last to realize when one of my friends likes someone, even if I like the same person.

I have a hard time expressing my emotions. It's not that I'm calm and stoic, or that I'm never happy. It's actually the opposite. I'm really energetic, and normally happy. My problem is that my only facial features and basically smiling and crying. Even if I'm really really angry, I can't help but smile. People say that it's hard to take me seriously because of that, which really upsets me. I have just as many emotions as everyone else, I'm just not good at expressing them. Even if I make a point of being upset, and I think I'm being super obvious, people don't pick up on it.

I feel like my friends are just pretending to be friends with me, but secretly they don't like me at all. They just tolerate me.

In seventh grade I was dead certain that I was going to grow wings. I believed in Santa until sixth grade, even though I knew that everyone else thought he was fake.

Sometimes, when I walk into the bathroom I check behind the door and the shower curtain to make sure no one's there to hurt me. I even get afraid that someone climbed in the window, even though it was closed and I didn't hear anything.

I think about things like safety more than is normal. When I'm walking through a city, I'm constantly planning what I would do to a pickpocket, or if a guy tried to rape me. When I'm in a place I don't know, I like corners best because I have the best view of what's going on and it's harder to sneak up behind me. I hated being line leader or whatever in elementary school because I thought that it would be easy for someone to stab me in the back.

I make up superstitions. Not so much anymore, but especially when I was younger. I thought that ghosts came out of the air vents things in bathrooms, so I still get panicky when I turn one on instead of the lights. I'm afraid that a monster will get me if I'm not in my bed when I turn off my lights. Being in the bathroom while the toilet is flushing really freaks me out. For a few minutes after I wake up, I get certain that my dreams were real, That goes away after a bit though.

I've never had a best friend because I find it really hard to open up to people and be really honest about my feelings. That's what the voice in my head has always been there for anyways.

Sometimes I feel like I have those long whiskery eyebrows that cats have in addition to normal eyebrows. I know I don't have them, and I don't see them it the mirror or anything. I just get this feeling sometimes, and it's really hard to explain.

I'm really really obsessive.

I hate making eye contact with people. It makes me feel really uncomfortable. When I think about it, even when I'm shaking someone's hand, especially if I'm shaking their hand, I'm not making eye contact. I'm looking anywhere but their eyes. I don't know why, I just hate it.

It doesn't really affect my school life or anything, so it's not a huge deal, and I'm still really functional. There are times when I'm certain that I need to tell someone or see a psychiatrist, but other times I'm one hundred percent certain that I'm one hundred percent normal, and lately I haven't really been showing the symptoms much. That's why I'm putting it out there for other people to give me advice. Should I tell my parents that I thin I need to see someone about this, or not? Is this schizophrenia at all, or some other thing entirely? Could it be that I'm naturally recovering from schizophrenia, and if so, will I get worse again? Or am I just being a teenager?

Thanks for your consideration!
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