Thread: Help
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Old September 29th, 2017, 12:37 AM   #1
New Member
Name: McKinley Kay
Join Date: September 28, 2017
Age: 17
Gender: Male
Default Help

PLZ read to the end
Didn't no what to title this post so I thought "help" would work. I'm a 16 yr old guy that just started 11th grade. So I just started cutting a few days ago. I used a dull knife that barely broke the skin. I felt calm afterward.

Just to add in. I don't know where to go with the problems that started this. Because I know I'm dealing with anxiety and stress BUT it shows in odd ways. I don't eat at times, don't go to sleep until 3 AM, and now this. Those are all usually depression signs but I don't struggle with depression or I at least flip flop between the two. I don't want to get out of bed not because there is no reason but because there are too many reasons and it's overwhelming. Haven't found a place on the internet to help with that bc of that and it starting to get a little frustrating so please direct me to a place that can help with that. Now for the subject at hand...

The first time I did it was because I wanted to feel numb from my large amount of problems. It works really well. Then I got mad the next day because of something and started to feel a flood of anxiety rush into my head from the other problems and I cut myself again. I felt clam again. But that time I needed to see blood. Next day was the same as the first but this time I used a glass shard I had slipped into my pocket when my little sister dropped and shattered a glass cup. Next day I didn't cut. I thought it was just some bad time I had gone through. They were all on my wrist but I wear bands and a watch 24/7 already and Band-Aids blend in with my skin tone so no one could tell. Today is day five. Just a few minutes ago I cut myself again. Dunno why. Boredom? I don't know but this time I went for my upper thigh because no one on the face of the earth ever looks at that. It, like the others, wasn't big but it was enough to draw blood. Now what? How do I stop?

Update: cut myself again. this time was a little different. It was the same place only a few minutes after. This time I couldn't draw blood so I chose to use the sharp edge of my glass shard. I pressed down as hard as I could. Bad idea. That one WILL scar for sure. Had to put hot water on it and dig the Band-Aids I was going to use to cover my wrist tomorrow and put them on it. Blood was trickling. I don't think its so bad that stitches are required but I'm gonna have to keep a close eye on it. Thank God it was on my thigh. On my wrist and I might be bleeding out rn because the skin isn't as tough. Scary situation. I will NOT be cutting that deep again. I don't know what else ill use to cut though. maybe a dull blade again?

Update: Ok so last night (or early this morning a guess) gave me quite a scare. I always thought that blood didn't scare me until I saw it running down my leg like that. Good news is that the cut (though it will scar and definitely leave an indent) is healing well. It scabbed and I have already gone full teen-doctor on it (shaving around the area, cleaning it with hot water, re-applying bandages, ect.) I thought about what had happened. I had only gone for a thigh cut a few minutes before and if I hadn't done it on my thigh, (I didn't not change in the amount of pressure between a thigh or wrist cut) I would have been dead by now. I was in my bathroom at 2 AM and everyone else in my house was asleep. Even worse, it would have been self-inflicted so yeah, suicide. With how much pressure I used for the bad cut, I am now VERY surprised that it didn't go into the muscle. I would have severed the vein on my wrist. I haven't felt any urge to cut since that scare and I think I am going to just try to find other methods to deal with stress. (I am promising myself that if I cut again, I will tell my parents bc I now know how severe it can get so quickly) If I do go to a bad place in my mind like that again, I will also seek professional help if I begin to crumble. I'm know that I'm not out of the woods but that definitely changed in my view of cutting. I will be sure to follow any advice you guys give me.

Update (OK): Its been a week since I had the above incident and I'm doing ok. To start, the cut on my thigh is healing really well and pretty much looks like a normal scab other than the width. Second, I'm having a problem where I feel like cutting could be a solution to pretty much anything. Mad? Cut. Angry? Cut. Sad? Cut. Feel bad about yourself? Cut. I hadn't cut since th- ok. I'm not gonna lie. There is no reason to on here. I did cut last night but it was really just me being a wimp. I think that was the problem. I had set up my night and the next day well. I was finally going to get back on top of things, work on stuff that was in my way that I had been avoiding out of fear and anxiety. It was late already and I wanted to start by actually sleeping. After a while, I'm finally comfortable and nearly asleep. (I even had meditation music playing) (try it, it's awesome) And my brother walks in our room (we are twins so yeah, no privacy except for the online accounts I keep up with like this one) He tells me that it was my turn to let the dogs out for the night. After months of my problems, I had eaten, brushed my teeth, got a shower, and gotten in bed at an OK time in the same night. I even set alarms for the next morning at an early time. I had forgotten about this. After trying to talk him into doing it, he wouldn't so after about 30 minutes, I finally did and I was mad. I don't know why, I had snapped a broom in half on the way downstairs to let them out and I was just standing outside in tears. I wasn't crying exactly, I don't know what I was feeling. I know that this sounds weird but it took a lot for me to finally try to face my problems and get a good start and it just felt thrown off track and like usual, when I'm down my problems catch me off-guard and flood into my mind. I suddenly feel really weird going back to my room, I feel mad at my brother for not letting them out, I knew there was NO way he knew because of how well I have been hiding all of this, I was sad because I felt lost again, and I was mad at myself because I had all of these reactions to something so small (which feels like me and really unlike me at the same time)(at least unlike me in how others see me) I'm doing something that I have done a lot but haven't really addressed it because I feel almost stupid about it. This feels horrible to say but I called myself a pathetic. That doesn't sound bad but it almost like a paradox in a sense because I know that I'm not and that I am at the same time. I feel normal but when I tell myself that (which I do a lot) a feel like a vulnerable little wimp and I know that I'm not helping it. This is probably just my view of manliness fighting how I feel and honestly I have been cringing the entire time that I wrote this part about calling my self pathetic. (just physically cringed again by typing that last sentence) I then went up to my room and cut. It was with a dull blade because I wasn't looking for the blood for relief but the pain out of anger and frustration with myself. It did bleed in one of the markings I made. I know I said that I was going to tell my parents but now this feels like a whole other problem than the one before in some ways and they have SO much going on that I feel like telling them would literally break them with how much they are already dealing with. I found some things while thinking today after that. First, planning out things bit by bit had me doomed from the start. That would never go according to plan exactly and I would then feel a good bit of anxiety from it. Secondly, did you notice how I felt last night? Mad? Sad? Angry? Pathetic? What felt like it could fix all of those? Cutting. I just don't know what to do now but I know that updating this will help me address some things and get a little bit of encouragement. I feel like the problem is past me until something big comes up and I come crawling back to the knife. It's odd. Thanks for reading this bc I went over this again and felt very confused so it may take more than once to read that.

Last edited by InDarkerLight; October 10th, 2017 at 09:00 PM. Reason: Update (OK I guess)
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