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Old March 11th, 2017, 10:30 PM   #1
mboy23
New Member
 
Join Date: March 11, 2017
Gender: Male
Default Please listen to me

I need someone to listen to me. No one listens to me. I'm severely depressed and it's gotten worse and worse. The last year of my life has been so difficult. Every day I wake up and wonder why I'm still alive. I don't wanna die but I don't wanna live either. Living is so hard for me. I don't even know how to be happy anymore. I'm in constant pain. I feel like I'm suffocating. I can't kill myself because my younger sister has special needs and my mom needs me to help with her. My dad died a few years ago so it's just me and my mom here to take care of my sister and my mom relies on me so much. I also couldn't leave my mom and sister just out of sheer guilt. If it weren't for my sister I would kill myself. But I can't. I want to so bad though. My depression is eating me alive and even though I don't wanna leave my mom and my sister, it's getting harder every day to keep this up and I fear that soon I won't be able to take it anymore and I'm just gonna end it. It's getting so much harder every single day. I feel like I'm walking through mud and it's getting deeper and deeper and it's so heavy around my legs that I almost can't move anymore because I don't have the energy. If you're wondering why I'm depressed, I don't necessarily have any specific reason. I've thought about it a lot though and I'm fairly certain how this all started. I was bullied a lot as a kid and I always felt different and below everyone. I always felt like I wasn't good enough and I never fit it with any specific group of kids and I've never had a real best friend that I could talk to. I've never had anyone I could really talk to. And I think that all those years of abuse from other kids basically taught me to hate myself and even though I wasn't depressed when it was happening, it's caught up to me and now I truly hate myself and feel like I don't deserve to be here. I also feel like everyone hates me. I don't know for a fact that anyone actually does but that's what it feels like. Just tonight I went out with my "friends" and I couldn't even pretend to be happy I was so miserable and usually I'm good at acting like I'm okay but tonight I was so deep in my depression that I couldn't even fake it for my friends. But I kept waiting for someone to ask if I was okay and if anything was wrong but they barely even acknowledged my existence. They just kept telling me I was acting weird and went about their own business like I wasn't crying out for help. And I realized that I have no one. Truly. I just need to talk to someone because I really don't know how much longer I can do this. I don't want to leave my mom and sister but it's so so so hard. I swear every day gets harder than the last and I can feel time running out. I don't want to tell anyone either because I feel like I will never truly be able to be happy so there's no point in trying to get help. I hate myself so much and I hate waking up every single day. I just want to sleep forever.
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