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Old November 4th, 2008, 08:04 AM   #7
New Member
Join Date: November 4, 2008
Gender: Male
Default Re: murderous thoughts / the true hell of pure O

hello henry, ill start by saying i know exactly how you feel, i myself am goin through something very similar. I have just started university in the U.K and half way through the summer before i left i was on a family holiday in france. In the cottage i was staying in i came across this draw which contained some extreemly sharp knives. In any other time of my life i would've looked upon this as a vital part of the kitchen but instead of that i felt a VERY strong urge to pick one up and (this hurts to admit) plunge it into someone and kill them. I'm a christian by upbringing and i've never lost my faith so this was definitely not a normal feeling for me and for the rest of that evening i lied awake trying to get to sleep but being unable to due to the horrific thoughts i had earlier on. anyway since then ive been battling with these 'irrational' thoughts for what seems like all day every day. on a typical day at the moment ill get up ready for lectures and see one of my housemates and instantly get a thought/vision in my head of me brutally murdering them, then ill get through the days lectures (just, not without thinking about these thoughts non stop) and then walk on home. and it doesnt stop. im constantly fighting my own thoughts of murdering anyone, as you say, that is close to me at the time. and the most soul destroying thing for me is that when i think of my parents and all they've done for me in my life i am no longer getting the same feelings towards them instead im thinking of murdering them too!! its destroying my life i've felt suicidal and very depressed. everyday i go through the same emotional rollercoaster beleiving im insane and that im goin to turn into one of these psychotic murderers you only hear about on the news. the scary thing is that the thoughts are real enough for me to question wether i should actually do what my head is telling me to do although i know by my upbringing i shouldnt. its as if i dont know whats right and wrong anymore and i hate it. ive got a counsellor session tomorrow that i didn't want to book but i stuck my neck out and booked it because i need help. i hope in some way you read this and feel comforted that your not alone.. i certainly did when i read your post. life is not fair and it definately isnt easy i hope by now you may be over the worst of it and then maybe you could tell me what you did to get over it but if you aren't i would very much like to stay in contact with you (via msn or sumthin??) and maybe we could get through this together because i think that it would help both of us to have someone to talk to regularly who shares in the experience. thanks and god bless.
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