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Old July 16th, 2006, 06:05 PM  
BP_Saladin
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Join Date: July 1, 2006
Location: Outside the bounds of sanity
Age: 30
Default Re: Don't know what to do

I have muscular dystophy. Muscles grow by being depleted when whe use them, then growing back stronger when we rest (this is how we work out). Basically at random periods my body will stop producing a certain protein that muscles use to develop, so any activity in that period of time won't grow back, or if it does, not to the point it was before, at random. On top of that, even when I'm not in one of those periods, my body will make said protein at a lower level than normal.

Let me show you why, at least to me, it's bad. Because of the ways my muscles arent supporting my skeletal tructure, my shoulders are starting to wing in and permenantly be hunched, I've got all kinds of back and neck problems, and I can't lift my arms past an 80 degree angle; I have to literally trown my arms if I want to reach higher than that. The skeletal changes limit my lung capacity to, simulating the effects of athsma. I don't remember anymore a single time I didn't feel pain (not counting since I started properly medicating). After a day of regular activity (ie walking standing day to day stuff) the pain is to the point that I can't get it out of my thoughts. Now when I actually do stuff, like work, sports, youthful outdoors stuff, etc. the pain can bring tears to my eyes. Even at my most relexed and comfortable, I'm still in mild pain. Let me tell you something about chronic pain: it never goes away, and it never stops being unpleasent; you just lose the energy to protest anymore.

On top of this, consider that for me it isn't a question of if I'll drool and not be able to talk when I'm older, it's a question of when. It's not a question of if I won't be able to walk, but when I won't be able to walk. Not a question of if I'll not be able to hold my children, but when I'll not be able to hold my children. The only way that I've been able to not be plagued with this (self-inflicted) torment is to ignore entirely that I'm handicapped. How can I do that, though, if the pain invades my thoughts, and I have the constant reminder of all these other physical limitations?

BUSHIDO IN ALL GIVEN TO YOU BY LIFE

Now you see why my MySpace name is "I think too much. . ."
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