Hmm. Here I was reading all these posts, taking in the advice, feelin better about myself, and I dropped the ball again last night.
I was at a party (I party a lot
), and some friends of the female persuasion were there too, and a couple of the guys I used to work with. The group a I came with went outside for our team huddle (don't ask) and a blunt, and the guy who's house we were at came out. He was basically like "oooh party foul, not sharin the blunt" and went on like that aimlessly for a couple seconds. Then out of nowhere he said "to make up for it, I think Matt's gonna have to go in there and slay (bone) "girl A" tonight." That was kind of wierd, but anyways I refused - I just wasn't feeling like it. These guys I've been hanging out with are kind of like my new heroes, and for the first time I'm actually completely fitting in (not like a sidekick or something), and I was drunk, so I was just enjoying myself. I didn't feel like ruining my good spirits over, thinking about sex, and the problems I may or may not have, so I just took it that he was joking 'cuz I was the only virgin there and everyone knew it.
So a little bit after the host left, another guy from the party came out and started chatting. He started out like "this is a nice garage out here. I like the pool table. I'd really like to bend one of these girls out here over one of the these and just do 'er." You know, all that "manly" shit. BUt he was kind of directing it all towards me, adn I'm never the talkative one. Then he actually said something to me about hooking up with "girl a" tonight, but I don't even remember what it was - I was drunk, and it was just such a shock that he'd say that to me. Again, I refused, but this time because the "fear" had me again. Boo. The rest of my night thats all I could think about.
Later that night I overheard the host and that second guy talking, saying "well he doesn't wanna do it, yeah I asked him too, etc" about talking to me.
My life and perspective on social/sexual stuff in general is kinda fucked up, so I honestly don't know what to think of this. Do these people genuinely see me as somebody they wanna let into their social circle, (remember, I've just recently started fitting in), so they wanna help me get over my problems, or do you think they were trying to haze me? I guess this is kind of the wrong question to ask, but it'd be kind of awkward to ask without the backstory in this thread.
But yeah, why is it that I want sex; I'm horny all the time, but whenever anything sexual happens around me it just goes right over my head (if that makes any sense)? Does/did anyone else notice this about themselves? If so, how did you get past it?