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Old June 30th, 2006, 10:16 AM  
the_hope_house
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Join Date: March 27, 2005
Location: Miami, Florida
Default Re: I Need To Talk To Someone Right Now

Thank you all so much guys.
I feel sorry for my mother because we're having a really hard financial situation right now, and according to her, that's why she can't afford actual rape therapy/counceling. My mom thinks that what happend to me has left a scar, but it's "useless to start picking at it and infecting it" by getting into therapy again. And I'm like, I haven't healed yet! Ten years of silence and not knowing and yet knowing at the same time has made me to post pone remembering anything about the abuse in order to survive. The abuse explains why I'm so paranoid around men, why I hate men who try hard to flirt with me, why I have no confidence, why I think I don't deserve a good man, probably why I started to get anorexia because I wanted to get control of my body and my life, etc. etc. My mom thinks this is over? IT IS FAR FROM OVER.
I'm not saying my mom is a villian, but she's just so...obsessive sometimes. I'm guessing that it's because my twin died five years ago and there was nothing she could do about it. It's like everything has to be HER way, even if it comes down to how I do the dishes or my boyfriends.
What I'm about to tell you changed my life in a way, but it drove my mother crazy. Last year I got a boyfriend, and he was the first boyfriend that I started to mess around with. We didn't have sex, we just touched/fondled each other and let each other see our private parts. I really liked it. The event was a revelation for me because it let me know that even though I was sexually abused, I could still enjoy sexual intimacy. I felt so much in control. My boyfriend and I were just boyfriend and girlfriend...we weren't going to get married, we weren't THAT serious, but pretty much serious enough not to be dating other people. Somehoe I told me mom (I shouldn't have) and she FLIPPED OUT. She said that "oh he should've paid for your dinner," "should've been romantic," and all these other "rules" about dating that apparently I didn't know about because I was her daughter. The thing is, my boyfriend and I were friends for a year before we decided to go out, because it took him time to actually admit that he liked me. He was really abused too, and he doesn't know how to handle a girlfriend. So I was like it's ok, because neither did I when I had my first boyfriend. I just had to TELL him to be romantic, because he didn't know how. I was his first kiss, his first girlfriend, etc. He got a lot better at it, too. It was hard for him to talk on the phone, he never called me and he's kinda oblivious at times, but he's gotten so much better. He's just a little thick when it comes to dating. I would be too if I never had a boyfriend before. But according to mom, he was never good enough becqause he didn't all ready know how to date and stuff. My mom thought I was "wild" because I fooled around on him and he hadn't previoulsy bought me dinner, been romantic. Jesus Christ, who said I was going to marry this guy? My boyfriend is all ready my ex boyfriend, and we're both ok with that. We were kind of each other's first experience with the opposite sex, when it came to touching and that kinda stuff. My mom makes me feel like SHE has to pick the relationships and how they go on, and she has that parent complex, the one where they think just because they're your parents means that they know everything and their children know absolutely nothing. It's true that my mother knows a lot more than me, but just because she does, doesn't mean I know nothing about how to choose my boyfriends and if it's the right boyfriend with me. I feel like when I was young, it was my father who dictated which "boyfriend" I had, that being himself, and now as a young woman, I feel like my mother who chooses my boyfriends because if I show any signs of choosing a guy who seems to not know what he's doing (like dating wise), then all of a sudden I'm an idiot and I'm "wild". Damn, I thought you had to have sex with like 5 guys to be considered wild. All my ex boyfriend and I did was touch each other and reveal ourselves infront of each other. I'm sorry this is so long, but I can't take it anymore! The other day I decided to buy thongs and my mom found out. Now she thinks that I'm videotaping myself on the internet to make porn. My mother is SO OBSESSIVE. Can't she see that she's a good woman and a good mother, that I know how to handle myself with the opposite sex and I can live on my own? I've done it before, I've lived in boarding school before and on college campus, so what makes her think I'm so uncapable of thinking for myslef? I AM NOT 5 YEARS OLD ANYMORE. And I LIKE to be touched and fondled by a man, it's NORMAL. And my ex boyfriend did pay for dinner for me and tried to be romantic. At least he has a fucking job, unlike my father ever did! I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE. TAKE ME AWAY.

Alannah
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