Thread: Wondering...
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Old June 23rd, 2006, 12:04 AM  
Guru Guy
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Join Date: May 20, 2006
Location: Las Vegas
Default Re: Wondering...

*Ok this might be tirggering*

I usually cut myself in the bathroom where there are mirrors Often I'll need to do it when I don't have a chance in which case I will always do it when I get back. Luckily it isn't as strong by then otherwise I'd have a few more or those long thick pink scars than I do now (most are just the little white ones).

I started using a pair of scissors that hap a tip bent slightly inward. I would dig in with the tip and scratch with the point of the scissors; the bent tip would make a small cut. The best part was that I got to press as hard as I wanted because I didn't have to worry about going too deep. The scratching is great because it causes the skin to welt up. The skins gets an aggitated red, and when you scrunch over the scratch gets really pale and the skin gets even more red. Now I use a sharp razor. I like how the skin seperates from itself and how the blood forms in the cut. First it forms in an even red line, but then it starts forming very small beds along the cut. A couple of them will get large enough to form in drops and roll down my stomach to my waistband. I just watch them go. The deeper cuts are kind of gross to look at because the exposed skin is a nasty pale fleshy color. It's also more of a bother to keep them closed. I cut on my chest so sometimes the seatbelt is irritating too.

Yes I make sure I'm alone, but other people can be home. It is either at night when other people are sleeping or when they are otherwise preoccupied unawares. I do prefer to do it when I am home alone though so I can savor it for longer and even leave the bathroom and walk around with them for a little while.

Don't worry, no one sees me. No one has seen my scars either. Although I do often think about what people would do if they saw me. Specifically I laugh when I imagine the look on their faces if they saw my chest. Seeing their eyes focused on my chest with a look of confusion that turns into fear/disgust/whatever as they realize the only possibilty is that I did this to myself. If you've seen a cutting board, you'll have a pretty good idea of what my chest looks like. A lot of straight marks going in many different directions all overlapping each other. They're all varied in length and depth: short shallow ones, a good number of medium and more distinct markes, then there's those few longer and deeper ones that you can tell really made their mark in the thing.

I had never even thought about cutting when I started. I really don't know what I was thinking or how I even came up with it. I used the scissors to make 3 scratches, no blood. I took a shower and went to bed, making sure to squirm to aggravate them a bit. It was amazing when not long after I felt much better, even back to normal. Next time I felt the same way it worked again. I couldn't stop thinking about how weird and confusing it was - I was thinkging the samething any non-cutter was thinking - this is crazy behavior. I don't get it, where the heck did this come from, why am I doing this? At the same time though it was working and after a few quick scratches I felt calm.

Other than cutting myself, I enjoy playing classic Diablo 1.

Diabolic Psyche - the site with Diablo on the brain!
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