Join Date: June 4, 2006
Location: Ontario, Canada
My autobiography...(PRETTY LONG)
Well, my initial welcome message wasn't the greatest, so I was thinking about it and I thought I'd bare my soul to all of you... Here's my little autobiography:
It all started on the evening of Friday November 16th, 1990. My mother went into labour, and 14 grueling hours later on the cool, clear Saturday afternoon of the 17th I was brought into this world by c-section. I guess I just wasn't ready to come out!
The parents had already decided on my name beforehand, but what was to come would be only the first of many arguments with me in the center. This argument was regarding circumcision. My father insisted I be cut, while my mother wholeheartedly disagreed, calling it "barbaric" and "un-necessary". Thankfully my mother won that battle, and to this day I'm a strong anti-circumcision supporter, while my father still holds his ground.
I had a typical childhood, not unlike many young boys, I suppose I was quite the inquisitive one, always getting myself into something or being mischievious. But, the problems wouldn't begin until I started school...
In Kindergarten, I had serious attention problems and wouldn't play well with others. I wouldn't share, I would do whatever I wanted, but there was something more to me...something below the surface. My teacher actually told my mother "...your son frightens me...".
Through the other elementary grades, I excelled academically...but not socially. This is when my "issues" began to manifest themselves. I was a cunning, devious troublemaker. For example, I once took a boy's glasses, put them in his shoe...and when he put his shoe on and broke them, I felt no remorse at all, since it was him that broke them, not me. In some ways, this type of behaviour is still evident in me.
The problems really began in grades 6, 7 and 8. This was junior high school, and if it wasn't for my mother fighting for her boy...I would have been expelled. I suppose it was likely related to the start of puberty, and my changing body and hormones. Not a day went by without some kind of violent, sociopathic behaviour on my part. People started to question my state of mental well-being and a full psychological assessment was upon me!
The report, as I recall it stated something to the effect of "Ryan is an articulate young man with an intelligence in the 98th percentile...while his intellect is clearly superior to his peers...his antisocial behaviours make him a risk to others around him...recommend special education arrangements..." (On a side note, I did a questionnaire on a website called "what villain are you?" and I was clearly Hannibal Lecter).
After this assessment, I was pulled from my regular classes and put into a special needs class, which no offense to anyone involved...was full of morons. These were people with learning deficiencies and I was cast in with them! What ensued could only be described as "bad". My dissatisfaction with education only grew, and my sociopathic behaviours only increased. I was constantly being suspended from school, and I became bored. I wasn't learning anything...my mind was stagnating. I was assigned a tutor, Peter, a TA or, teacher's assistant. He was my shadow, my keeper for the rest of my term at that school. As much as I hated it at the time, in retrospect it really was for the best.
In grade 7 and 8, I began seeing a series of psychologists, and behavioural disorder specialists. Eventually, I was diagnosed with ADD, Bipolar disorder, OCD and a minor case of Tourette's. The specialists called me "the most complex case we've seen". I was prescribed an ever-changing cocktail of drugs, from ritalin to prozac, to zoloft, to paxil, to effexor, to a bunch of other less-knowns. Of course, I'm still on a little pharmaceutical cocktail, though it's greatly evolved from those days.
All these problems with me caused a lot of stress at home, between both of my parents and even my older brother Jason. There were (and still are) constant arguments about me, and things I do. As well, during all my psychological assessments, this was the time I identified to myself as gay! At the time, it was really just one more thing thrown on the pile...but it's far more than that now.
My father and I don't get along. Not since day one when he wanted me chopped. He regularly makes it clear how he feels about faggots, queers and homo's. This said, I'm not "out" at home. I keep that part of me away from my family, simply as a strategic choice. I need them at this point in my life, and it's easier for me if I conform to what they see as normal. It's hardly even difficult to put on the charade.
There have been difficult times with me, where I've been very depressed, hospitalized even. There have been times when violent outbursts have involved police at our home. It's quite strange you know. Because as much as I know that sometimes the things I do are wrong, and sometimes hideously immoral...I still do them, can't control myself and I don't feel bad about it.
If it wasn't for my current mix of medication, and the fact that I have lately started practicing self-control methods and meditation...I would be a threat, not only to myself but to others around me.
Adding to the difficulty of being me, I live a dual-life. While at home I'm Ryan the boy everyone knows, there's a part of me that's been going through a lot of growth and that's my sexual identity. I have actively seeked out, over the last year a number of sexual encounters online (you don't need to warn me) and lol, at school I'm like the sexologist. Everyone asks me questions, but no one suspects how I know the answers! For awhile I did have a relationship, a boyfriend and it was good but we had our differences, age being one of them and it was for the best that we called it off. I don't regret it, but I wouldn't do it again.
I'm like that, I'll do almost anything at least once if there's a reasonable chance I won't die or be seriously hurt. This includes illegal drugs, i've tried just about everything available to me. And, well...it's just because I was curious. Now I know, I don't have to do it. I don't smoke, don't drink or anything like that. I know I have an addictive personality so I actively avoid these things. I am addicted, quite seriously to masturbation and pornography. It's a part of my OCD, I'm driven to collect and keep massive huge amounts of porn on my computer for some crazy reason even though I'll never watch them again.
Anyhow, here I am now...15 years old, I'm intelligent, articulate and seem like just any other kid...but now you guys on VT have a clue what lurks beneath my otherwise cute exterior.
(I know I skipped a lot, but I was running out of time and had to finish up quickly...hope you enjoyed reading it)