So here's the story - hopefully it will keep your interest, because I could really use some advice. Thanks ahead of time to those of you who take the time - it is greatly appreciated.
Last spring and summer I really began liking this girl. It was great because she liked me and we had a lot in common and act similarly. Only problem was that I was in a relationship (which was going to end in the late spring because it just wasn't what I was looking for). So fall comes around and school is back in session. Well, as it turns out while I had been away for a couple weeks on vacation, the girl I liked had continued looking at some prospects to see who she liked and what kind of relationship she was looking for. Now, it is important to note that when I had returned, I was under the impression that she and one other guy had begun dating. I was relatively disappointed and pissed at myself for not having taken action sooner. We continue to talk and hang out occasionally. I don't think much of it when the guy asks her to our Homecoming dance (because I think they're dating). However, (and I was lucky I did this) I expressed my discontent to some of her close friends and they inform me that the two aren't actually dating, that she was just hanging out with different people to get to know them better. Well, this makes me quite happy (except for the fact that she's going with him to the dance). I learn later that month that she actually likes me the most and would like to have a relationship with me. This results in an awkward 2 or 3 weeks where she and I have feelings for each other but can't really express them publicly because others believe that the other two are dating (like I had). So, we hung out and she came over and I asked her to dance with me (because Homecoming would be her first dance, but I wanted her first dance to be with me) and we did awkwardly in my house. Well, Homecoming finally rolls around and I have a date (one of the girl's friends) and we all go to the dance. During the dance, both me and the original girl are going nuts because we want to be with each other and dance with each other but can't be. Anyways, the night ends and wala! Oh by the way, if you thought this was just about the Homecoming dance...heh, you're in for a surprise. Here's where the bulk of the story begins.
So after the dance we begin hanging out more and more often and eventually (November 4th to be exact) I ask her out. Now, this put her in an awkward situation, because people still thought that she was going out with the other guy (even though she never was). Well, long story short she was called many undeserved names like whore and slut - but she is none of these. Only a couple weeks into our relationship she told me that she loved me which caught me off guard (I'll tell you why in a moment). I thought she might have said it because she was a bit drunk (something that she has since given up), however, she said it the next couple days when she was sober too. Well, I responded that I loved her too. I mean, it was only 2 or 3 weeks in, how could either of us really know? But I said it anways, because I thought that if I didn't, she'd become uncomfortable and the relationship would end abruptly. In retrospect, I really did mean it when I told her that I loved her, with all my heart. It wasn't two weeks before my feelings were tested. I was at a party and before my girlfriend arrived, I was talking with my homecoming date (at the store) and she basically told me that she liked me a lot and had liked me for a while. I told her that I was sorry, but that I was in a relationship with someone I cared about and could not return her feelings. I never told me girlfriend about this (and still haven't) because the two girls are/were friends and I didn't think it was worth their relationship for me to tell my girlfriend.
So anyways, I remain truthful and continue to love my girlfriend. But here's what I didn't tell you. In the past 3 of my relationships (this one being my 3rd) all of my girlfriends have told me that they loved me or were in love with me. My first of these relationships is the one I'd like to focus on. Me and that girl were together for about 9 months overall. Like this most recent relationship, early on the topic of love had come up and we both told each other that we loved the other. Well, near the end of the relationship, my then girlfriend became bored with me or stopped liking me. I still loved her. She dumped me and within a week was going out with another guy. I felt betrayed and sick and every other bad feeling a human can have. It just drove me nuts. Several months later, however, I had gotten past her - but I hadn't gotten past it. The topic of love.
I didn't realize how that would affect my concept of love and my future relationships.
In my second realtionship, just as I was starting to get close to the girl and starting to feel emotionally attached - I basically broke it off and started going after my current girlfriend. Looking back now, I think I was just afraid that what had happened to me before would happen again. However, I also still think that even if we had stayed together then, the realtionship would not have been great for either of us.
Anyways, this brings me back to where I had left off. So now it's about March (4 months into my current relationship) and I start questioning myself. I start questioning my feelings, my girlfriend's feelings towards me and the concept of love. I catch myself though, before I do anything too stupid. I think about my previous relationship and how I didn't really give it a chance. I looked at my current relationship and my feelings. I realize that if I stay with my girlfriend, I won't ever understand my feelings and my feelings towards her and that I'll just get into this rut where I won't really be content. Now this is where I make my biggest mistake - I don't talk to her about it. It took me over a month to tell her that I was questioning my love for her and our relationship. But, fortunately, I eventually did. I felt that a break would be the best thing. It would give me time to realize what I really had with her and how I felt about her. Trying to make the relationship work was/is really important to me because I feel that this girl is so very different from all the rest at my school and in my neighborhood and hell, even that I've met. So I tell her that I think a break would give me the time I needed and she thought that was fine. Here's the catch: PROM.
I personally felt that it would be awkward to go to prom with her while we were in a break. (Our break was different from the traditional - we decided to actually break up and if things came back together then we would get back together - essentially it's the same thing, but just different). I knew that she wanted to go with me and I kind of did too. But I felt that for this to work I'd really have to seperate myself from her. And I did. I went with a different girl to prom. And before we had gone to prom, my girlfriend had asked me if I was going to kiss the girl in the "heat of the moment" of prom. She said she knew that I had a thing for blonde hair and blue eyes. I told her that I would not kiss the girl but my girlfriend told me not to promise anything. I assured her once again and promised, but then she had to go.
Here's part of me and my girlfriend's conversation the day after:
GF: so you had a good time, eh?
ME: it was alright
GF: not super amazing happy fun?
GF: with the ....amazing music
ME: haha - the music was fantastic...almost
GF: but why was it just all right?
ME: everything kinda came together
ME: you were right - that I shouldn't have promised
GF: so you forgot your flyswatter then?
ME: I didn't kiss her
GF: go on
ME: no i didn't
ME: cause my reason for not kissing her shouldn't have been that I had promised you
ME: I mean obviously it's important to keep a promise made
ME: but i didn't kiss her because there wasn't anything there
ME: no flame or desire
ME: and it wasn't because I was trying to upkeep some sort of bargain I had made
ME: it wouldn't have happened even if you had mentioned it
ME: i wanted nothing more than to just take you up in my arms and dance with you and give you that kiss
ME: i guess you're past this already
ME: but the break worked
ME: it worked perfectly
ME: the point of it was to realize what I had and what you meant to me
ME: and it's worked all too well
ME: for the past week I've been going nuts
ME: and i hate to say this now this way
ME: but if I had to wait until tomorrow
ME: it'd just be too late it seems
ME: I wish I could have seen you earlier
ME: but it just wasn't right at all
ME: i mean I kept looking over at you
ME: you saw me
ME: hell it was just like homecoming
GF: yes it was
ME: on your end too?
GF: what do you think?
ME: There's what I would like to think, but I have to be more realistic - I can't expect someone to deal with what I've done.
ME: and I'm just sorry for that
ME: sorry for having questioned this and what we had
GF: it's okay
GF: and yes, I felt like homecoming
GF: but don't think you're getting off easy
So, in the end, she has taken me back and I am ever so thankful for her and what she has done for me. I still feel really guilty for what I've done. Everyone thought that I did this just cause I wanted to go with some other girl, but I didn't. At some point though, I can't keep trying to convince people otherwise, they have their point of view and understanding and from what they see - I two-timed her and just wanted to be with someone else for prom. My girlfriend has forgiven me, but I still feel really guilty and I feel that she should be angry with me. I just can't believe that she went through so much to be with me and I just threw it in her face like that.
I just wish there was some way that I could make it up to her - show her that I can be trusted, that I respect her and that I love her. Gosh, how would that work. I love her. But how can she believe me? Is it better for me to tell her that I love her and just wait and see or to hold it inside and just hope? I think I'll tell her. That's the way it should have been. I shouldn't have said 'I love you' in response to her saying it, I should have said it because I felt it and needed her to know. Now, this way, I can say it the way I should have and I'll just give her the time she needs - if that time ever comes.
Her birthday is coming up too, except I'm going to be gone for fucking college visits. I'm going to make sure to celebrate with her though. I think I'll take her to an Italian resturant that she had wanted to go to a while back but we didn't have reservations. She loves pasta. I'll get her flowers, of course. But what else. She gave me a really nice, well-thought out homemade gift for my birthday but I'm always bad at those. For Christmas I had gotten her a silver necklace with a heart and a diamond on the heart. She had always worn it - always. Until I fucked the whole relationship up - even though it kind of made it better. I'm sure it's probably worse because of what I did. Hopefully, I can think of something meaningful for her birthday.
Having gone with that other girl is arguably the one of my other big mistakes, but at the same time - without having gone with that other girl, I would never have realized how much I need my girlfriend and that I really do love her.
Thanks to all who read through this - I appreciate all your input as you have so generously spent time to read through my unfortunate story. Thanks again.