About a SI book
I found a book a couple months back called "Cutting - a guide to understanding and overcoming self mutilation" by Stephen Levenkron. It really helped me a lot. I actually found it in the bookstore without even looking for anything in particular. After reading the first 30 pages on the spot I decided to buy it. Of course, I was a little nervous about bringing it up to the register. Suprisingly the very next day I walked in and brought it right to the counter and just got it over with quickly.
Anyways, it has some example of his patients and the things that happened to them that lead to cutting. Some of it might be a little hard for younger readers. There is this really great chapter about "Who is the self-mutilator?". I had never looked up anything about it before, but I was absolutely stunned by this chapter (chapter three, I think). It sounded like it was talking about me. It put in words feelings I have, things that lead me to cut, and so forth. I was also very suprised how often he specifically mentions "seeing one's own blood" along with the pain of cutting as bringing relief and comfort. When I cut I LOVE to see the blood. I watch it run down my skin, I like the bright color, I like how it gets sticky as it dries, I love to watch in form in the cut, etc. I thought I was just a freak, but he mentioned it often.
Never before had I imagined that anyone could get what was going on and what cutting does for me, but then I found that book and it fit so well, it was a little scary! Here's some quotes that really stood out to me:
"The self-mutilator is ashamed of the mental pain that she (he) experiences and has no language with which to describe it to others... This goes far beyond frustration."
"The person who chooses this action is someone who experiences herself as powerless."
"She fees alone wherever she is, different from everyone around her, an outsider. She is often plagued by a fear of punishment."
"[They] suffer from severe deficits in the ability to from personal attachments to others or to talk personally about themselves, or to accept comfort and reassurance from another person."
"[They] have a feeling of mental disintegration - the inner bombardment by chaotic thoughts that seem disconnected to each other. At this point she needs a powerful distraction around which to organize and stop the mental distinegration."
He also talks about how cutters generally have learned to see their own needs as unimportant or bad, do not allow others to form emontial attachments to others, and has not formed healthy attachments to parents (understatement for me). Often the cause is being harmed by those that are close to us, especially parents, and learned that our feelings are unsafe with other people.
One part says that cutters believe that they deserve whatever negative behavior is directed towards them and that they will accept and even perpetuate it. This is really true for me, as when I cut I feel like I am being punished and that I deserve it - and that makes the cutting feel welcome and good. I feel like I am doing something wrong if I am not getting punished. One of his patients was like me, and passively complied with things that included her even if she didn't want to. It is so hard when you feel you *can't* do anything else. Most people would just call that giving into peer pressure. I compare it to something more like juggling: just because you choose to do it doesn't mean you will be able to. And when you can't do something so simple you must be bad.
Most of the time I feel that whatever I am doing is wrong, and I am afraid to get "caught". Whenever I am home alone I will be doing my thing, but as soon as I hear someone coming home (usually the garage door starts to open) it's like I panic and put everything I was doing away as fast as I can and hide it. Most of the time I will try to look like I'm in the middle of some chore, like doing the dishes. It's pretty amazing - you could be gone for 1 hour, 3 hours, 12 hours, and when you get home I will be cleaning, but even STILL the house looks like same as when you left. LOL.
Lucky for me, I have the house to myself for a few days so it won't be quite as bad with no one coming home.
Other than cutting myself, I enjoy playing classic Diablo 1.
- the site with Diablo on the brain!