I am truly depressed
I am outcasted by everyone, The other day in math we had to do a stupid survey, and some1 who i thought was my friend made a question, Most Hated Person In School. He didn't even put the answers he let people write down whoever they wanted. I had to be the vote of about 95% of the people. What really made me sad was that who I thought was my best friend put my name, and then when I asked him why, his reply was the most bullshit thing ever. He replied, "I dunno, I was bored." WTF kinda reply is that for saying he hates me most in school. None of the people I hang around with really care for me, and I can tell because just today I was at one of my closest friends house with 2 of my other friends. I purposely made myself look depressed even though I am, I practically wear a mask around my friends to hide my depression. I laid on her bad looking out the window for 15 minutes, and no one bothered to ask me what was wrong. The worst part was that one of my friends was depressed because her best friend/girlfriend (she's bi) wasn't able to come, and i asked her what was wrong and she pushed me away. Then they dont even have the curtousy to ask me. They just left me sitting there. Then they come up to me and tell me i have to go home without even noticing. My friends must truly not like me, because all I ever do is try and make them happy.
During school I'm pushed away and am invisible to pretty much everybody. I am pushed away because im smart it seems like. I do good on a chair test for band, and im called a show off because I did well so i wouldnt get a crappy chair. If I do good on a test im called nerd/geek. There's other people that will make a good grade on the test and everyone says good job to them, but to me they make fun of me. The people that seem like my friends always look uncomfortable around me, and I don't know why. I don't cut myself or talk about suicide around them. I have attempted a few times, but i got over that because im scared of being dead. I do not fear death, I fear the thought of everyone grieving over me, and what i fear is how the people that really hate me will be glad im gone, not grieve. My family would be the only one grieving, if im even lucky on that. My dad is an ass he pushes me way too hard, he doesn't let me have any individual freedom. He even makes fun of me, and that really hurts when your own parents call you fat. I can guarantee im really not all that fat. There's people way fatter than me(and i mean way fatter) that don't even get called fat by there parents. It really hurts. The thing is that why im typing this I'm actually crying because I hurt inside, and nobody knows it. The conselor knows some, but really nothing. I feel good when I talk to her, but I really don't like talking to people. Please don't recommend a counselor because i will ignore it, because I don't like talking to people, because there is the chance of rumor spreading, and i will be feared by people. Please offer up advice.
If I'm always wrong and your
always right, if i say your right then what?