sure no problem... ive been thinking about it enough and well it breaks down to a few main things
first and foremost broken promises/lies: quiet a few of my "friends" have told me "oh yeah ill call you i promise" and they never do. one or two friends doing that very rarely is excusable, all of them doing it all of the time... makes you wounder. just like i wounder why some of my friends seem to aviod me. i mena i shower, i dress well, i dont have any annoying quirks so that leaves it to me/my personality. but w/e same thing as the phone call goes with hangin out on the weekends.
second lack of hanging out with people: at school i hear my friends all talking about parties, or hangin out, or goin to movies and its like everyone is going/invited except for me. like my friend emily, she had a birthday party and i was finally invited the day of by one of her friends who was "shocked" that i wasnt invited. so i dont get it. is it because most of my friends do drugs when they hangout and i dont do drugs, is that what is seperating me from everyone. but as i think of this it cant be other wise the non-drug-doing people would invite me to something wouldnt they?
and now your probibally thinking well why dont you just invite them to hang out with you? and heres the answere in the form of a metaphor: "it is easier for and object in motion to stay in motion" basically it isnt easy for me to just invite somone to do somthing. funny isnt it... oh wait im not laughing......
third... the one that probibally has the most effect: up until early last year my mom and i did not have a great relationship. for years prior to that point she basicaly subliminally told me that i wasnt good enough. if id bring home a report card with a handfull of a's and b's and like one c and one d she would focus more on the lower grades "you did so great here why couldnt you do better there in that class?" but that issue resolved itself late freshman year after a suicide attempt due to the pressure from school and the pressure from home as well as some things going on with friends. how ever the relationship with my mom and i did not get better until after about the middle of sophmore year where she kicked me out of the house calling me an "ungreatful son of a bitch" and "a worthless peice of shit" though this was after me venting to my brother about how she nags and nags about everything un-benounced to me she was home.
but yeah either way it isnt a big deal anymore, i gave up on everything, i gave on caring, having any real emotions, life, a social life... just everything. im not giving in because that would be admiting defeat and using a perminent solution to a temporary problem. no i am only giving up meaning i havnt the energy to keep fighting this depression, nor to keep worrying about this that and the other thing. whats weird is i feel like ive finally found peace with it all as well as myself. things just dont bother me anymore. fucked up aint it?
if you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you shall also suffer defeat ~ Sun Tzu