Join Date: January 20, 2005
I gots a few more
Leaving The Toilet Seat Up
Response to a woman who accidentally walked into the men's restroom:
Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare for us guys to ever hit what we were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around -- just so I'll make sure I hit something.
You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall (because all the urinals are being used), take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to pee all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya those little buggers can't be trusted.
After being married 28 years, my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man -- standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise, if she goes to the toilet one more time at night and either sits on a pee-soaked toilet seat, or falls right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she's going to kill me in my sleep.
Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a real problem and you ladies need to be more understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood."
Most mornings we guys wake up with two things: a tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it don't bend you can't aim.
Well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to pee all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet. And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the stupid toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to achieve that perfect aim.
Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie. So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe.
I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her, "Look, it won't bend." She said, "Sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood."
Well, it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage to do it, I had peed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You pee all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you women keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.
I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position by simply laying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee.
So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control.
It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature. Now, if it was Father Nature... there wouldn't have been a problem!!!
In the garage
There was a little boy and a little girl playing in the sandbox in the park, they were playing and they decided to take off their pants.
The little boy points at the little girl's vagina and says "What's that?!" and the little girl says "I don't know I'll ask my mommy."
Before she left she pointed at the boy's penis and said "What's That?!" and the little boy said, "I don't know, I'll ask my daddy."
So the boy goes up to his dad and points at his penis and says "Dad, what's this?" and the dad says "That's your car, you want to try your hardest to park your car in the girl's garage."
The little girl asks her mom, "Mommy, what's this?" and the mom says "Honey, that's your garage. NEVER let a boy park his car in your garage!"
So the little kids start playing again and ten minutes later the little girl comes back with blood all over her hands.
The mom says "HONEY! What Happened?!?!"
and the girl says "The little boy tried to park his car in my garage so I ripped off his two back wheels."
The Rabbit and the Bear
A Rabbit and a bear were traveling through the forest and they came across a fairy.
The fairy says "I'll grant each of you three wishes" and the bear and rabbit were thinking AWESOME
So the bear says, "I'll go first... I wish all the bears in this forest were girls... except me" So the fairy grants the wish.
The rabbit goes next and says, "I wish i had an awesome motorcycle" So the fairy grants the wish.
The bear goes again and says, "Hmmm.... I wish all the bear in this country were girls... except me." So the fairy grants the wish.
The rabbit goes again and says "I wish I had a helmet to go with my motorcycle." So the wish was granted and he got his helmet.
The bear goes again and says, "You know what? I wish all the bears in the world were girls, except me!" So the fairy grants the wish.
The rabbit goes and says, "I wish this bear was gay, then drives off on his motorcycle."