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Old January 24th, 2005, 10:48 PM  
Chrono
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Join Date: January 20, 2005
Location: Alabama
Age: 28
Gender: Male
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Hahaha Awesome, I love jokes, I have sooo many, well lets start, this'll take a while.

The Misdirected Vacation E-Mail:


An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.

When he reached his hotel in Florida, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

DEAREST WIFE:

JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.

P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.






Haircut Story


The story of someone getting a haircut.

Women's version:

Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Men's version:

Man2: Haircut?

Man1: Yeah.






Stupid people fearing

WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (actual AP headline) Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her inlaws, and while there, she went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car.

He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

And, yes, Linda is a blonde.



Carpet

A guy (we'll call him Aaron) was laying down carpet in some woman's home. As he was finishing, he got a craving for a cigarette. Aaron looked around and discovered that his cigarettes were missing. He did, however, notice a bump in the carpet, and figured that he had laid carpet over the pack without noticing it there. Aaron decided rather than to take up the carpet, he would get a hammer and pound it into the ground so no one would know.

When he finished that, the owner of the house walked into the room and commented on what a nice job he had done.

''Aaron, The carpet lookes wonderful!'' she exclaimed. ''Here are your cigarettes; I found them in the kitchen. Oh yes, and by the way, have you seen my gerbil?''

What does Michael Jackson and a Big Mac have in common? They
both like to put their meat between twelve year old buns

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THINGS TO NEVER SAY TO A COP
1. I can''t reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn''t realize my radar detector wasn''t
plugged in.
3.Aren''t you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must''ve been doin'' about 125 mph to keep up with
me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical
condition to be a police officer.
7. You''re not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That''s terrific. The last officer only gave
me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there
are no other cars around. That''s how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have
you been drinking?" You probably shouldn''t respond with,"Gee
Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
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Speeding Ticket
For the next time you find yourself in that frustrating position...
While I was "flying" down the road yesterday (i.e. 4 mph over
the limit),I passed over a bridge only to find cop with a
radar gun on the other side laying in wait.

The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that
classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's
your hurry?" To which I replied, "I'm late for work."

Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The cop was stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher?

And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work
my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my
whole hand in I work side to side until I can get both hands
in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6
footwide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"

To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and
park him behind a bridge....."

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little anthony

Little Anthony''s next door neighbor had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born with no ears. When they
arrived home from the hospital, the new parents invited
Anthony''s family over to see the new baby.Anthony''s parents
were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say
about the baby. So, Anthony''s dad had a long talk with him
before going to the neighbors.
He said, "Now son, that poor baby was born without any ears. I
want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word
about his ears, or I''m really going to spank your butt when
we get back home."

"I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Anthony. At
the neighbors home Anthony leaned over the crib and touched
the baby''s hand. He looked at it''s mother and said, "Oh what
a beautiful little baby!" The mother, who had braced herself
for Anthony''s comment, was pleasantly surprised and said,
"Thank you very much Anthony." He then said, "This baby has
perfect little hands, and perfect little feet. Why just look
at his pretty little eyes... Did the doctor say he can see good?"

The mother said a bit bewildered, "Why yes... the doctor said
he has 20/20 vision, why do you ask?"

Anthony said, "Well, it''s a fucking good thing because he
sure as hell can''t wear glasses!!
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