ever since i was a little girl i would have periods of time ranging from minutes to hours to days where i couldnt remember things until they were said to me again...yeah it sounds normal but its not - idk how to make it seem like it is but its deff different from your normal lapses of memory. i do this thing called dissosociation. its where my consious mind "takes a break" and lets my unconscious take over. or atleast thats what i understand from what i've experianced and been told.
when i dissosociate it feels and looks like i am behind this sheer curtain. i can see through it but i cant act through it. i know whats going on, and try as i might, i cant do anything about it - but someone else inside of me does things for me instead. its not like multiple personality where there are multiple ppl inside of one body. this is my unconscious acting out...i guess a good way to look at it would be to compair me to someone drunk - the alcohol in their system lets them do things they normaly wouldnt do. in my case i normaly wouldnt cut, i normaly wouldnt try to kill myself, i normally would throw myself down on the floor and cry until i couldnt cry any more - but all of these things i secretly want to do. i havent told ppl that the things i do when i dissisociate are things that i've wanted to do for so long but wouldnt dare do.
for example: i stopped cutting because a dear friend of mine made me promise not to do it anymore - i will not break a promise so i was bound by my word. during the months when i didnt cut, it was all i thought about. i had dreams where i cut(similar to drunk dreams that alcoholics experiance) and i wanted to so badly. but i promised i wouldnt so i didnt. after a while of being strong and fighting the dissosiciations i finally gave in and let it over come me. i ended up cutting very badly that night and it was the first time i tried to kill myself.
so fighting it doesnt work for me. being strong has only led to horrible things in my life. standing up for what i believe in gets me made a fool of or in trouble or hurt. i dont know how to stop this.
sorry to have wrote such a long message. if you skip down here and dont want to read the whole thing i am absoultely fine with that.
thanks for listening
PS - does anyone else suffer from this ailment?
^ made by AtlantaWonder ^
She can\'t remember a time when she felt needed
If love was red then she was color blind
leave me be, while i rot and die, in the corner, under the blanket that you gave me when you lied and told me i ment something