Thread: Umm.
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Old November 26th, 2005, 09:59 PM  
-Silence
...La De Dah!
 
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Name: Heather, Duh.
Join Date: March 29, 2004
Location: The Sunshine State.
Age: 29
Gender: Female
Blog Entries: 111
Default Umm.

----- Original Message -----
From: Mother
To: Heather
Sent: Monday, October 31, 2005 6:52 PM
Subject: hello?

Hello,
I understand you are busy, but you don't have any time to just drop a hello? I don't understand what issues you have with me, and I am doing my very best not to interfere.I have not said a word about cutting or anything. I have been trying to start over. But I feel I am trying in vain. What ever I did I am sorry. I just hope you have a good happy life. Even if that means I am not a part of it. I LOVE you more then you will ever know. I just wish the best for you.I will be there for you if you ever do decide you want me to listen,or just be there. I will NEVER give up that hope. I DO love you baby. You are a very smart young lady, don't let anyone ever walk on you. You deserve to be treated good, ALWAYS remember that. Take care. Be good to yourself.

LOve always,
Mom

---

Hello.

First off, I wasn't ignoring you.

My internet access has been taken away, which is why I haven't been able to read or respond to anything that you have sent. Yes, I told you I was busy, mostly because I didn't want questions for why I was in trouble. It wasn't intentional and I wasn't pushing you out of my life. (If I was, why would I still talk to you when you call?)

Issues with you? To be as honest as I can, I've had issues with you for a very long time. Since the divorce. I don't know if you noticed this or not, but everything changed. The way you treated me changed. You either smothered me or pushed me away, there was never a middle ground, and self-harm was the only way for me to cope with it. Then things got even worse, and it became a vicious circle. But enough of that.

In no way am I saying that you are a bad mother. You do love us, I do know that, I hope you do know that we love you back. I think you need to work on your issues and I need to work on mine before we can really "start over". I'm going to take a break from seeing you though, when you come you'll just be seeing Josh. I need to work on things and I don't want my seeing you to interfere with it. I don't want to be taking two steps forward and one back.

I love you and I hope you take care and be safe.

Love,
Heather.


My mother wrote me, as you can see. To be honest, I feel really bad for writing this back to her, I feel guilty, I feel like no matter what happened in the past, I’m supposed to just forgive her when in all reality I just can’t. It STILL gets to me all the time. So much of what I am now is because of what happened back then. My biggest fear is that I’m going to end up just like her.

Sorry…I’m done.



Some days even my lucky rocketship underpants won't help.
-Calvin & Hobbes.
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