I have a problem
I'm really old fashioned. I grew up in a Spanish-Italian American family, and they raised me to think that all women shopuld wait until they're married until having sex with only one man. I was also sexually abused when I was a young girl by my father, so using the excuse to not have sex because "I have to wait until I'm married" prevented me from getting really close to men, because I was afraid of having sex. I mean, like really afraid. I met this really nice at boarding school when I was a junior in high school. He went through a lot pf problems too, like his mother was extremely abusive, and so was my father. He didn't trust women, and I didn't trust men. At first he was really cranky, and as the years went by until after graduation, he because sweet and nice. He goes to a college that's really close to mine, in the same city (Miami, Florida). A few weeks ago he touched me and I felt afraid and aroused all at once. I didn't know what to expect...
Well yesterday we were hanging out at night in an elementary school at around 12:00am after Thanksgiving. We began to tlak about sex. He told me that I was 18, and that we're adults now and that it's ok to have sex. Is he manipulating me? He said that he loved me and that we would be a lot closer if we could actually GET closer. He said that we connected on many different levels and that we're so much alike. I'm so sick and tired of being afraid of being touched, and all my life Ive only been kissed. I wanted to know how it felt like to really be touched. So he touched me all over and I oculd barely stand. Then I touched his penis. I feel ready for this but I feel like Im doing something bad all at the same time. Is it ok to have sex? What if he uses me, or what if the condom breaks, what if he gives me AIDS? Well, he's a virgin, so I guess he doesn't have AIDS. I'm sick and tired of being controlled by a cultural rule that only affects women. If a man has sex before marriage, it's "not as bad" as when a woman does it. I think that's bullshit. Should I just do it...? I want to. Will I become a slut? Will I loose all my honor, will my future be at stake?!@!@!!>?????!?!!!