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Old March 7th, 2018, 07:24 PM   #770
SmartNerdGirl
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Name: Izzy
Join Date: April 24, 2017
Location: Grandville, Michigan
Gender: Female
Default Re: First Time Cutting

The first time I ever actually self harmed was probably in 6th grade. I was anxious about everything, my friends treated me horribly, and I had a bad day. I had heard of self-harm through the internet, that it was supposed to be bad, but it made you feel okay! So I grabbed a pencil and scratched myself a few times with it. It didn't make me feel like anything, and I forgot about it.

The first time I started and continued was probably in July of last year. I was feeling okay, I hadn't talked to my abusive friends in months, and I met someone I really liked (alterously, not romantically) who made me feel like I was actually cared about. He had his own demons, having tried to kill himself and he used to cut. On that day I had first noticed his scars, and when I asked, he had blown me off, and I realized what they were. Also, he was bisexual and HATED talking about it. It made sense, especially since he was bullied for his sexuality when he was younger, and was paranoid his mom was someone going to see the security footage and forbid him from going back. Anyway, I was in a HUGE pride phase, considering I'd started questioning if I was bisexual myself, and I'm still in the pride phase! (Not as intensely though.) I was making a pride flag out of beads and he came over and saw it. He was annoyed and muttered I was "naive" under his breath. I definitely over reacted, but I was just so on edge from constant social abuse that my nerves just exploded. I went into shock (Not medical shock, I was physically fine) and spent the next few hours laying around berating myself and thinking bad things about myself. Then I got up, found a few things, and scratched myself until it scabbed. It took a week to heal, and I was paranoid someone was going to know, but nobody knows about it, even now.

I started self harming on and off. Over the Summer I made a few big scars with a pencil. Only 3. It wasn't a daily thing, I'd do it every few weeks. Then, during school, I found a piece of glass. I used it on and off. Most of my scars are from two times; one I did about 5, the other I scratched myself about 8 times. Then, in November, my parents finally confronted me; turns out, they knew for months, but didn't know how to say anything. They made me give them my piece of glass, and I self-harmed one last time with another, but I pitched it 2 months ago.

Thing is, I didn't find it too hard to stop. I think only once I actually felt good, the other times just made me feel worse. I was in a state where I was absolutely exhausted, so I didn't do it most of the times I wanted to. I found it relieving to quit. Now? I have been about 5 months self-harm free, and it's been better since I quit.
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