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Old December 23rd, 2017, 10:26 PM   #1
Sevun
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Join Date: September 5, 2014
Location: Aussie!
Gender: Male
Default i don't know what's wrong with me!?!

Okay so I'm just going to pour out my feelings and if any of you could give me a solution that would be fantastic!
So hello. I'm feeling the way I did last year at this time of year during the holidays and it's probably because I'm all alone and I have time to think about myself and what I want to do. Last year it was a really dark time because I couldn't focus on anything else and I had to write pages and pages of inspiration quotes and just positive advice I had found to reinforce messages and feel better. I still have these sheets of paper.

In the past couple of days, I have become more insecure about myself. I don't know what I want to do when I grow up (I'm in Year 10 next year), I don't know who I want to be, I don't know who I should be.

I've become more interested in the fashion industry and modelling recently, but I've also become more self conscious about my looks as well. This interest has sort of given me thoughts of trying out the modelling industry, because I'm not horribly looking and I do have decent bone structure, but compared to Sean O'Pry, David Gandy, Mario Adrion, Lucky Blue Smith, Francisco Lachowski, Presley Gerber... Sam Dezz (not a model but he's a bloody good looking bastard, winner of genetic lottery for sure)... they all have such attractive faces and they're all European and white. This means it's unlikely that I would have the same face shape as them considering I'm Chinese-Australian, however Peter Adrian Sudarso is has an Asian background and Jonathon Ng (EDEN) has a half Hong Kong background, and they all look so much more attractive than me. It makes me self conscious on how my looks will take me in life and how they will limit me, not to mention my voice which sounds very stereotypical of gay people and my acne ridden skin which goes against having tight, clear skin for modelling. I'm not sure if both will hinder me and restrict my opportunities.
This brings me to job opportunities. I do really well in school,
I've gotten twice at my three years at high school, and I'm aiming to achieve this result again next year in Year 10. This academic success naturally gives me a wide range of opportunities (I really don't mean to seem arrogant, but I am aware of how my academics will lead to jobs later in life)
and I don't know what to pick or choose. My friends, some struggle a bit more at school, but I'm envious considering they have a more active social life, they have a casual part-time job, they do more sports, instruments,
languages, and more importantly, they have already chosen what they want to do and are incredibly goal driven. Me? I am determined too, but I just don't know to what goal I have. I don't know what I want to do. Modelling doesn't make use much of my academics though lol so... I want to go to a good university, and I want to travel, so maybe overseas, but I know it's really expensive so I need a job etc. which I will talk about later.
I just want to be something in the eyes of the world. I want to be famous? Maybe, but more importantly, I want to leave a legacy and change the world someone like Obama has, or Naomi Campbell & Anna Wintour on the fashion industry, like Meryl Streep on the film industry, like Einstein, like Roger Federer and Serena Williams in tennis, like all these incredible pioneers and achievers. I feel like I'm meant for greater things, but I just feel so aimless with no goal for a specific passion, I have no purpose. This is what worries me, because to be great, you should have a purpose. Should I do something entrepreneurial? It takes a lot of effort to crack into such a tough industry! If I worked for a magazine as an editor or photographer or anything, that would be really awesome, but it's really hard to do that. If I worked with a designer, that would be awesome too, but again, it's really hard to crack into any industry really and I don't have the direct laser focus and commitment you need to do that, because I'm trying to keep my options open.

This spare time has given me time to explore the arts = music, TV shows, movies, books! This sounds great, but honestly I feel so overwhelmed by all the good books, series, films, song albums out there and all a little too much. It's like that feeling when you're at the ice cream shop and you can't pick what flavour, but amplified because it isn't just ice cream, it's music, TV, film and books, and because there are millions more songs, shows, movies and books than flavours of ice cream. This applies to jobs too, there are so many options! What should I do?

Furthermore, recently I've become more fixated with my childhood. Nostalgic and stuff, but it's holding me back. All I can think of is how good it was, stress free, how happy, my relationships with teachers, the classrooms, the vibrance, the play times, the recess and lunch, the playgrounds and ovals... everything. All these memories. And I want to go back! I read a Reddit post about how this one guy who was experiencing the same thing as me would happily die to live that part of his life again. What worries me is that I read is that when you listen to music, it strongly reminds you and takes you back to when you were in your formative years (12 years old to 22 years). I'm afraid I'll forget my time before that. They also said your adult, more logical brain does not emotionally connect as well to music, meaning that now is the prime time to listen to the bazillion of genres and songs and artists out there! Other Reddit threads talk about how everything seemed okay at the time, but when you look back, they were really the most awesome times of your life. I'm scared that me stuck in this cycle of nostalgia and looking back when I'm in my teens means that I won't be able to actually live right now. I would have been too busy reminiscing to have actually had experiences.

I mean this sort of has already happened. I feel like I had no childhood. In primary school, I only did tennis consistently across the years, and other times I would just come home and play Xbox, watch Youtube and watch kids shows. Man I was such a frigging loser. I refused to self defence at the time because I thought it was uncool, I quit piano, swimming and Chinese... I don't draw anymore? Back then these hobbies seemed trivial, but in the present day, they are actually important.
Now that I realise this, I want to do new sports! Swimming, volleyball, netball, badminton comps, tennis comps (I do tennis for fun, but never competitively), kickboxing, martial arts, going to the gym and working out etc.!
Combine these extracurricular activities with other hobbies such as drawing, photography, singing, instrument playing + homework and academics + sleep + reading, watching films and TV, listening to music + socialising.... It's a lot to juggle.
We have less time as we grow up, and I'm wasting the time I have now. That makes me afraid. Next year in Year 10, I should logically have even less time, considering I'm also school captain now (exciting!, but also responsibility ahahah). I regret not doing things earlier and I just feel so bad. In Year 11 and 12 and uni, I'm not sure how much I time I have left...

I don't know how to balance everything. There's also the topic of work experience, which is pretty vital. It can help me get a part time job, but I need to take time off of school to do it. Should I do it in the weeks where I have least amounts of assessment? Should I do work experience next year despite my other ambitions and responsibilities as school captain?

I have so many ambitions. I don't know what direction I'm going in. These holidays, I have 5 more weeks left.
What should I do?

Should I plan my following 5 weeks? I'm planning on going to the Australian Open to watch some tennis, and I'm also planning to arrange a La La Land medley for our school band with a couple of my musical friends. What should I do?
See a therapist?
I'm really begging for help. I'm so bogged down by these thoughts I can barely function. I don't want to spend Christmas like this! I'm currently in the state where I binge watch Youtube to escape from my fears. Ah, yeah, please do help, I really would appreciate it. Thanks for reading this far

edit: idk if i have delusions of grandeur, i just know i want to be great, i just don't know how to get there

Last edited by Sevun; December 23rd, 2017 at 11:47 PM.
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