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Old September 9th, 2017, 06:56 PM   #28
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Dalcourt's Forum Picture
Name: Peanut
Join Date: February 25, 2014
Location: Crescent City
Gender: Neutral
Blog Entries: 4
Default Re: Feeling at war with yourself - my bipolar diary

It's about a month now that I lost an incredible person and one of my beloved pets at the same time. I was overwhelmed, paralysed by my feelings of sadness. I couldn't stand anyone near me, I hated having feelings.

Now? I feel like I slowly adapt. It still hurts and sometimes random memories bring tears to my eyes.
I sometimes think I never want to have feelings for any person or animal...if I don't get attached it won't hurt when they are gone.

I told my boyfriend I don't wanna be with him for this reason. He refused to be gone from my life telling me nothing bad would happen and it's just in my mind.
I know it's just all in my head ... crazy thoughts about him getting killed...whenever we are supposed to meet and he shows up late horror scenarios of what might have happened to him form in my head. I can't help it that's how my mind works.

I'm panicking at the thought someone I care for getting sick or hurt in any way and I am not able to help them. Strangely enough I never really care about my own well being.

Behind all this might be an egotistic feeling of not being left behind alone.
I don't want people to be to close but at the same time I don't wanna be alone either.

I would die for someone I love just for the sake of not having to live without them and being alone.
I guess I am horrible when it comes to love and relationships.

I sometimes wonder if I will ever be able to have a normal lasting get relationship with someone. No person sharing my mental problems I know ever had a real lasting relationship with a "normal" person.
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