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Old August 27th, 2017, 03:15 PM   #1
bougainvillea's Forum Picture
Name: shanie
Join Date: December 3, 2015
Age: 17
Gender: Female
Default I'm too dependent

In 3 words: I'm too dependent. My moods are up and down like the flick of a light switch and if I've got no-one there immediately I freak out and mentally immobilise myself. If I am able to message people I always read too much into things and I assume everyone hates me and I'm just a burden on them for being awkward. It just gets to the point where one of my friends replied via Snap (photo messages) with a photo of her leg and it had a really nasty wound. It gave me urges to harm. She didn't realise at the time and I think I offended her pretty bad by asking if she could not doing that. She's just replying with one word half-assed messages now. I'm just getting in the way and she would be better off without me. Then she would feel happier and not annoyed. I'm sick of being a burden on my friends and they're sick of me saying that they would be better off without me. I say it but it means nothing to them it feels like. They just say "no" and expect it to change my whole life perspective. Maybe they just think I say it for attention and that I don't mean it when trust me I know for a fact that I do.

The last 3 days I've been way too nervous to even think about leaving the house but I have had to, but not by choice. I've had work and my family wanted to go out and took me with them. It triggered a panic attack every time I wasn't at home and I had to suppress them which makes everything feel worse. I've been shaking for a couple hours now and I've had to hide it. Everyone just feels ages away from me and I'm on my own in my little bubble and I hate it so much. I only like it when I can just lay in bed and cry on my own. The rest of the time I feel purposely isolated and that everyone's trying to keep their distance away from me on purpose but this is the last thing I need/want. It just makes me feel more worthless and want to harm more because it can stop my shaking and bad thoughts immediately. I want to be clean but I also don't want to.

I'm just writing this in a paranoia-fuelled panic attack actually making me feel like I'm not alone when I know I am. None of it probably actually makes any sense. I just feel like I'm going fully insane and my brain is frying out and I'm sick of the constant headaches and not sleeping and either starving or eating too much and just feeling like a lifeless ragdoll.

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