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Old August 10th, 2017, 11:29 PM   #24
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Name: Peanut
Join Date: February 25, 2014
Location: Crescent City
Gender: Neutral
Blog Entries: 4
Default Re: Feeling at war with yourself - my bipolar diary

I have been listening to the same song for hours straight for two days now.
Now I turned it off to be in complete quiet.

My whole body is shaking. The first day the shaking was visible it's only me who feels my whole body shaking but kthers won't see it.

I was told how great I'm doing how I'm holding up.
It's just my poker face for the world. I can't let others know how I have broken down over this.

I am sad and lost but moreover I am scared. Scared that this is the beginning of the end. I have been in so many bad situationso in my life and always got out somehow. Life was always going on somehow. I was always lucky. I always knew that no matter how bad it looked there is light after the darkness.

But I feel like my string of good luck has been ripped in two now. I feel like I won't find a solution how to work myself out of the bad things now.

I so desperately want to tell this to someone. I so want someone to reassure me that everything will be fine.
But I know I can't talk to someone about it. I can't tell anyone that I feel like I lost control like that ... it will just scare them. Everyone relies on me and my strength to go on. I always make them go on how can I tell them I'm afraid now?

I don't feel like doing something stupid. I'm not mania high crazy hopeless trying to hurt or kill myself. This is usually just my illness and not really me a day deep deep down I always know that I just do it cuz I'm high on feelings.

It's scary now as it's my real quiet feelings. It's a hopelessness consuming mania no depression.
Seems like my luck has run out and the real me for the first time in my life being really scared and without hope.
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