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Old July 22nd, 2017, 12:00 PM   #1
Dalcourt
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Name: Peanut
Join Date: February 25, 2014
Location: Crescent City
Gender: Neutral
Blog Entries: 4
Default Are we just fooling ourselves?

I had a long talk with an adult friend of mine this morning.
She is a social worker. I met her through a friend and we got closer as we both suffer from bipolar disorder and it was easier to talk to her as she can relate to than to talk to a therapist.

I met her today and she was really down...
We talked about it and she told me how the suicide of the Linkin Park frontman had shaken her.

She said she is early his age and fights her mental health problems since her childhood. She said she felt like she could control it. She always told herself that once she makes it past her mid thirties she might have won the fight.
Like she has found her place in life and all.

But now she isn't sure anymore.

I don't know but it makes me think. I have tried to commit suicide a couple of times but well obviously it didn't work out...I always got found in time.
A part of me still regrets it didn't work although I'm quite happy with my life at the moment.
But I'm not sure if it's not just me lying to myself.
I have my phases when I feel really good but they more than often than just turn into mania and it ends really bad again.

Sometimes I'm not quite sure which feelings are my real ones and which are just created by my illness.

So when I think I feel good do I just fool mysel? When your life is bad is it possible to really get over all the negative things?
The real ones and those my mind creates?

Can we overcome the bad things like my friend said she felt or is it just plain wrong and we will never really make it as she fears now?

These thoughts kinda scare me a lot.
I always had hopes of getting better, of having more control over my emotions and myself.
At the moment I feel kinda normal. I can control myself like any other person.

But a couple of months ago I was a wreck. My emotions overloaded and controlled me.
It's like being a different person...it's either hurt or kill myself so to not do these things to someone else.


So is it really possible to be a normal person one day or is it just a fooling yourself to survive from one day to the next?

Sorry this is as messed up as my thoughts right now.
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