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Old July 16th, 2017, 10:47 PM   #16
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Name: Peanut
Join Date: February 25, 2014
Location: Crescent City
Gender: Neutral
Blog Entries: 4
Default Re: Feeling at war with yourself - my bipolar diary

I am doing good and I'm functioning.
Like whatever I have to do I get done. I do my job and I spend time with friends and family. Like everything is fine. As a whole I feel good. I don't have any problems.

But I always have this dull pain deep inside me. Not a real physical pain. It's and unsettling feeling that pulls from the inside.
Whenever I am alone and have time to think it increases till it seems to be unbearable.
So I fill every minute of my life with matter what just to be busy. Whenever I am alone I read listen to music etc. I try to be with other people even though I'd rather be alone.
I don't wanna have this feeling. It kinda makes me paranoid.

I am so feel like I can't concentrate. I get my stuff done so nobody would suspect a thing but the way I do completely without any structure. Everything is just chaotic...I stand within a complete mess doing 5 seconds of this and 5 seconds of hat task. Luckily it always works out in the end but for how long?

I feel like I can't listen to people. I just zone out not hearing what they say at all. I greatly annoy my grandma and friends with it. But I just can't help it.

Gran says it's all just as I am worried about my cat who is terminally ill.

So this stresses me out. Stress is an enormous trigger for me. So that's basically whole life is in turmoil just because of it. That's what I hate so much about my bipolar.

I really work hard to stay "normal" on the outside but to think that this will be very change...from the rest of my life. It sometimes scares me a lot.
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