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Old July 11th, 2017, 08:00 PM   #1
New Member
Name: steph
Join Date: July 11, 2017
Location: uk
Gender: Female
Exclamation I think I'm falling again.~~~ TRIGGER WARNING.

two years ago a guy I liked was cutting.

I told him id help him stop and that I would support him but he would shout at me and tell me I didn't understand because I have never done it...

a couple of days later and I was really stressed with my family. we were arguing and fighting and I couldn't Handke it so I smashed a make up mirror and ran the smashed glass along my leg. I felt instant relief. it worked.

I went to my friend and told him and he got really mad he ws shouting at me on the phone and getting really upset saying hoe stupid I was and hoe dangerous it is and I started to take a panic attack. I didn't know what to do so I grabbed the glass again and puled it across my thigh ripping the skin and causing blood to seep out. instantly calming me down once again .... this is where I found my new release. I cut every time I took a panic attack, every time I argued, every time I got stressed, every time my heart rate got alit faster I was cutting to bring it back down.

but after 8 months I stopped. I got a boyfriend. I stopped talking ti the other guy as much and I was clean. it got to 2 months in and I thought that was me sorted id never do it again but then my boyfriend got abusive and controlling. he used my panic attacks against m and forced me into them many times to get his own way and to force me to follow his rules. I was in work (a hairdressers) and he was texting me telling me I was cheating (which I wasn't ) and I ws panicking but didn't want my boss or work friends to know. while trying to hide it I came across razor blades (normal tools in a hair salon) I hid them in my sleeve until I could get to my bag and then put them in there.

I went home that night and broke up with my boyfriend. I felt amazing. completely empowered by the fact I knew I had these blades but didn't use them. but then my ex was messaging my mum. lying to her telling her that we had sex and that I wasn't a virgin anymore. telling her I was the abusive one and that I emotionally manipulated him so that my mother would feel sorry for him. when she shouted at me for everything I broke down and ran to my room and cut more than I had before. causing blood to soak into my pj trousers.

after another couple of months I stopped again. one of my life long dreams is to work with troubled kids and I knew I couldn't be unstable in that job so I forced myself to stop. I got my life on track. I got work sorted and I even fixed things with my family.

but now things are worst than before. my mum is stressed through money and stuff. my little brother is constantly in trouble with the police. my little sister is just as bad and I feel like I'm the only "good kid" in the family but I can slowly feel myself loosing touch wth my coping mechanisms and I can feel myself starting to struggle. I really don't want to go back but I can't pull myself back up ...

any advise would be amazing. and talking to my mum is never an option ... she doesn't even notice I'm depressed.

(btw so much more goes on in my family that I feel uncomfortable posting. although if you message me ill probably talk about it )
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