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Old June 25th, 2017, 08:24 PM   #11
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Name: Peanut
Join Date: February 25, 2014
Location: Crescent City
Gender: Neutral
Blog Entries: 4
Default Re: Feeling at war with yourself - my bipolar diary

I don't know how I should talk about how I feel without accidently triggering others who might read this by chance.

I have not self harmed in over a week or so.
I felt at peace even though a couple of stressful things happened so there was no need to control feelingso that threatened to overwhelm me.

Last night I had my ex? boyfriend over.
We used to argue a lot in the past since he isn't actually a nice person but I felt like I needed him. I didn't have sex in quite some time so I kinda manipulated him into it.
I know it was wrong to do this but I don't feel like it was wrong. Usually I would feel bad but I'm just confused why I don't feel bad at all.
Being with him actually felt better than I felt in ages. I don't understand.

He feels we are back together now. I have no real feelings for him anymore I just felt good with him last night but apart from that I'm not sure at all.

I was thinking about him the whole day and I'm just more and more confused.

When I waited for my grandma after church I just sat there opening a wound on my arm where I had accidently cut myself a few days ago. It didn't hurt much but was taking my mind off. But I know it's the wrong thing to do.

I'm not sure how I should go on. I can't do these things to get a clear mind. I can't restart this relationship but I also can't tell him...and a part of me doesn't want him to go away.
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