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Old April 30th, 2017, 07:31 PM   #1
georgiamay
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Name: Georgia
Join Date: February 24, 2010
Location: uk
Age: 22
Gender: Female
Default Guess who's back

It's been a while since I've posted on here, most of you probably have no idea who I am, but some of you oldies might remember me. I've popped my head in every now and then just to see how things are going over here, but this is the first time I've posted.

Things haven't exactly been great, and I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread. I'm not really sure where to start, so you'll have to be patient with me.

I've managed to develop an eating disorder (bulimia), and have been seeing a psychiatrist since the end of Feb. Recovery was pretty slow at first, even though I wanted to get better, I couldn't seem to actually make the changes I needed to make. I knew I needed to stop, but I realised that I didn't actually want to. It sounds ridiculous, but I didn't want to give it up. But then I started to make progress, and I was just starting to feel like I was moving in the right direction. I went a week without weighing myself, massively cut down on binging and purging, and was actually eating meals.

But then everything went to shit. 2 weeks ago, I think I was raped. I don't want to say that I was because my memory isn't great. I was incredibly drunk, but the memories that I do have feel aggressive and quite forceful, but I don't want say for certain, because I can't give these memories any context. But I woke up in A&E, and I'd lost all of my stuff. My bag was gone, and I'd lost everything, including my shoes and underwear. Literally all I had was the dress I was wearing. Obviously, I freaked out. That's not a normal way to wake up after a night out. At this point I couldn't remember anything, except that someone had had sex with me. Things came back to me over the next day or so, but not much.

Moving on from that, I went home for the weekend last week, and my parents noticed how much weight I'd lost. They straight up asked me if I had an eating disorder. I denied it at first, but they didn't believe me, and eventually I gave up and admitted it. I've been trying so hard to keep my parents at a nice distance, just giving them enough information about my life so that they think everything's going great, but now they're starting to realise that it's not. I feel like my secret's out, and nothing good can come of this. I know that they care about me and want to help me, but they can't. They live so far away, all they can do is worry, so there was no need for them to know. But now they do. My dad's been much better about it than I thought he would be, but my mum's starting to annoy me. She phoned me the other day and started crying down the phone, and made me promise that I wouldn't hurt myself again. Of course I'd rather that than have a mum that doesn't care, but I really just don't need the extra guilt.

Uni's also completely gone to shit. I've really fucked it up, and I don't think I'll be able to graduate this year. I need to organise a meeting to see what my options are, but I keep putting it off because I just don't want to deal with it.

And then last night, I went out and got really, really drunk again. It was a weird night. I wanted to sleep with someone. I know that sounds stupid, but I wanted to see if I could have sex after what happened, I wanted to see if it'd effected me in that way. My memory isn't the best from last night, but I remember getting with someone, and then I remember crying and just generally completely freaking out. I don't know if that's what caused it though, I can't remember when either of these things happened. But anyway, the guy was actually really nice and was looking after me, because I was a mess. And then I ended up jumping in the canal. I have no idea why, but I did, and he had to pull me out by my hand, and the walls are pretty high so it actually hurt quite a lot, and my hand and arm are really bruised now. He took me home, and then my housemate made me have a shower, because I was covered in muddy water and I was absolutely freezing.

It just feels like everything's kicking off at the same time, everything's exploded, the shit's hit the fan, and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to deal with any of this, and I feel like I'm about to hit breaking point.

I don't really know what I want to get out of making this post, I just remember that VT was so helpful to me when things were bad before, so I thought I'd give it a go again.
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