View Single Post
Old March 19th, 2017, 01:51 AM   #1
gherkin2pickle
Junior Member
 
gherkin2pickle's Forum Picture
 
Name: Bre
Join Date: July 24, 2016
Gender: Female
Default Anxiety over trying out for drum major

*DISCLAIMER: This is a really long post. Don't read if you have something more important to spend your time on.*

This is mostly about band, but anxiety is directly woven into it, I promise.

I'm a sophomore in high school, and my band's 2017 show is coming up fast (We're doing the Lion King musical from Broadway!), and I am so excited. I'm second chair clarinet, and... I've got a problem. Last year, around May, my band director said he was expecting my name to be on the audition list for drum major. We have four drum majors now, and two are seniors. So, I bet he'll be accepting two more drum majors in to be assistants. So, here is going to be a list of pros and cons of me being drum major that I was hoping you guys could help me sort out. Keep in mind that a drum major is a leader for the whole band, a person that everyone looks up to (or down to; I'm short compared to most other high schoolers).

Cons: -I am very, VERY shy. I don't talk to very many people at all. So who would vote for me as drum major since I don't really socialize that much?
-I'm very quiet. Yelling isn't in my nature, and drum majors have to yell a lot.
-I'm very scared of meeting new people, so greeting incoming freshmen would be hard.
-I'm very scared of those older than me. So interacting with my senior drum majors would be pretty daunting. I don't know them very well right now.
-My best friend is also going out for drum major, and he's a social butterfly. Everybody in the band loves him. And since I already compare myself to him so much (he has perfect grades, a lot of friends, etc.), I feel like being in a state of leadership beside him would just make me feel even more inferior than I already do.
-I cannot handle criticism very well. The smallest negative comment, even if it isn't out of ill will, can make me start crying.
-I criticize myself viciously. I will think about the smallest mistake for the entire day and then some, which will not help in productivity.
-My other best friend wants to be head section leader during marching band this year. If I don't become drum major, and stay in the clarinet section on the field, she won't get the chance because I will already be in that position by default by chair order.
-I have anxiety. Performances will likely cause me a lot of stress. I stress a lot about tiny things.
-My self confidence is in the pits right now. Has been for a while. That's part of why this decision is so hard.
-I'm always asking myself "What if?" What if I'm not as musically talented as I thought I am? What if I'm a total failure? What if everyone in the band sees me as the weak one?
-I'd probably be the only girl drum major. I know this is stupid, but having another female in the same situation would be comforting, at least.
-I'm deathly terrified of going to drum major camp. I hate camps. They force you to interact with a bunch of new people. Plus, from what I've heard, drum major camp involves a lot of skill assessments, which I crack under.
-I have a really hard time exiting my comfort zone.
-I love the clarinet section. I feel like I'm betraying them by leaving. (First and third chair clarinets are seniors, and the next best person is a junior who will be trying out color guard this year. So, we don't really have a ton of other options for the next section leader besides my best friend.)
-I feel like my proposal to become drum major is mostly centered around myself, not the band. Last year, the people trying out had to give a speech to the band about why they'll be a good drum major. I don't have any qualities that would add to the band. The only benefit from the entire thing would honestly just be me becoming more comfortable around others. And let's be honest; Nobody cares.
-I get really flustered when people come to me for help and/or questions, especially if I don't have the answer.
-I don't think I have the talent for drum major, to be honest. I know how to conduct thanks to my dad (former band teacher), and have practiced it a little bit, but... I don't have extensive skill. At least in my opinion.

Pros: -Being drum major will definitely help me become more assertive and outgoing. I'll get to know the band better.
-I LOVE music. I want to be in marching band in college, so taking on this leadership will get me "bonus points" when being considered for attending.
-My band director, my dad (who is a former band director), 3/4 of the current drum majors, a fellow clarinet section leader (technically two, first chair is already a drum major and a senior), both of my best friends, and the saxophone section leader (whom I know a bit better than everyone else in band besides my close friends) have all told me I should try it. With so many talented people saying I can do it, why am I still denying it? They think I can. Why don't I trust their opinion?
-I'd probably make a lot more friends, if people like me as drum major. More friends would probably boost my self confidence. Everyone needs more friends.
-The Lion King would be a really amazing show to be drum major for in my first year. Lion King is my favorite Disney movie. It would be so super special if I were drum major for it.
-My band director, my friends, my parents, I think pretty much everyone would see a positive difference in me. I'd like to think that being drum major would change me for the better.
-I pride myself on being kind and approachable. If anyone has a problem, I'd like to think they would feel at least somewhat comfortable talking to me about it.
-If I do this, I'll be setting an example. Everybody knows how shy I am. So, if I go for drum major, people in my position (mainly incoming freshmen), who are also quite shy, may gain the confidence to try through seeing me do it first.

So all of this raises the million dollar question(s): Am I worth it? Will I be able to give back to the band in a way different from the other drum majors? Will I make a positive impact? Since I can't really be positive towards myself that much, what makes anybody think I can bring something good to the band? I have been at war with myself over this issue for almost a year now. I thought I had time to decide at first, but that time is running out quickly. I need to decide. Please, if you've bothered to read this far, help me figure out what to do?

Thank you so very much ❤️ Please take care.
gherkin2pickle is offline   Reply With Quote