Thread: Pain
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Old January 25th, 2017, 11:07 AM   #1
New Member
Join Date: January 25, 2017
Gender: Male
Default Pain

[Sorry for my English]
So okay, I've come here. I never thought I would end up here, under 'Mental Illnesses', of all the topics. This is because I know right now that most of me is made up of anxiety. And the rest of me is equally fucked up.
Truth is that it is hard to carry on, and each waking moment is painful.
I completely hate myself.
I had a wonderful childhood though. How much I miss the place where I grew up, the friends that I had, and everything. I was carefree, high spirited, confident and fearless. That, is the real me.
I wish I could be who I was.
What happened to me?
I'm almost 18 now, and I've already lost all my hopes. I'm physically weak, 5'4", 49 kilograms, and I'm poorly built. I'm so ill shaped I can't even get proper clothes sometimes. I've gotten into college somehow but my grades reflect how terrible I am in studies. I wish I was good at something. I have no talents. I'm the greatest loser in this planet.
I really wish I was at least good at something. I have no passions. That's what worried me the most.
No matter how worthless I may feel, I can live with myself but, what actually kills me is GAD.
It is so painful.
I worry. About everything. I can't stop worrying. I really can't. The worry is so deep. I never smile. I never laugh. All I do is worry like hell. There is no reason at all for me to worry. I imagine these scenarios and I get so much trapped into them. I can't get out of my worry. There is no more happiness in my life. I spiral down deep into my worries and each day it gets worse. More and more worse. I think too much about everything. My mind gets so ruthlessly clouded by my worries. It seems I never really can stop worrying.
I can never really be in the moment. I feel fake all the time. I'm lost. I've lost my way to happiness. I don't know what will make me happy again. Nothing seems interesting. There is no life for me left. There is no warmth in my life. I never really enjoy anything.
I hate myself.
Sometimes, it is too much and I cry. It hurts me so much.
What has happened?
Am I never gonna be happy again?
This is supposed to be the happiest part of my life. I look at my friends and I see how happy they are.
What is wrong with me? God, I can't stop crying. I feel so much pain. There are no reasons for me to be alive anymore. I am completely useless and unworthy.
Sometimes I think, it is better to end this.
But no. I will carry on no matter how painful it gets. I'm gonna fight this. I should be me again. I'll find my way. Though I feel like there's no hope, I know that there is a way. I will be normal again. I'm not going to be the loser anymore.
I'm not giving up.
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