"Crying in your sleep? And I haven't even left yet... You must miss me loads
...More than you can imagine.
See, I'm not even sure what date you leave on. I don't know if you're going by car, train, bus... I can't even say for certain if you're looking forward to going.
And, believe me, I wasn't expecting to feel like this. I was totally unprepared for this fist of emotion gripping my stomach like a vice. You gave me no warning, no time to ready myself for this terror, this spanner in the works of my mind.
And all I keep thinking is that I never got to kiss you on the cheek, to hug you without holding something back (just so you could feel how I feel when you wont talk to me). That I still haven't really forgiven you for calling me anorexic all that time ago, and I know you didn't mean it.
I keep opening past conversations, running through them in my mind, wondering what you'd've confided if I'd approached it differently. And that one time that we both blocked everyone on our contact list at 1:30 in the morning so we could talk uninterrupted.
"Why do you trust no one
?! How can you do that?? Do you not get how much it hurts me when I'm trying to give you everything and you still shy away, lean against a wall with your arms crossed, forgetting that I too can listen not just talk?!!"
"I just don't trust people."
"I was hoping maybe you were, but I never got the chance."
"The chance to what?"
"The chance to trust you again."
I've apologised, but you're right. I've never really meant it.
So that's what I'm doing here. I can never say it sincerely to you, so I'm saying sorry now, in front of all these witnesses, because I can't take that look in your eyes when you realise I mean it.
I'm sorry I've lied to you,
I'm sorry I've let you down so many times,
I'm sorry I've betrayed you,
I'm sorry I've betrayed you over something so pointless, so meaningless,
I'm sorry I've never given you the confidence or the courage to trust me,
I'm sorry I've never allowed
you to trust me,
I'm sorry I've never tried to make you stay,
I'm sorry I've never been honest,
And I'm sorry I've always been so reluctant to love you in a way I always have done. I didn't love you in the way you constantly asked me to, and I know I never loved you enough or for the right reasons, but a part of me always did and still does.
Aleks, I'm so, so sorry.