Religion is a weird thing for me.
Since I was about 14 I've felt something calling me to a life of religious contemplation, either as a priest or as a monk, but at the same time I lack faith. I'm a staunch agnostic and I've always felt like faith was impossible for me, that I just don't have the capacity.
So I'm stuck in the uncomfortable position of feeling attracted to a life in the service of something I don't particularly believe in. When I was younger I wanted to be a priest but these days I would rather be a monk. I read about monks and God, that life sounds absolutely perfect. A true utopia. If I could fix my faith problem I think I would be off to the monastery as soon as my studies are done.
But I really can't. People say they look all around and see God, so I look all around and I just see grass, flowers, trees, people, birds. There's no signature, no real feeling that this world needed a creator. Some say they look inwards, so I look inwards and feel only void. Always felt that way, empty inside. I think it's due to my being very bad with emotions. Some say to ask Him to show Himself to you, so I do, and he never does.
So I guess I can't answer the call.
Jean Poutine, LL.B.