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Old July 8th, 2005, 10:41 AM  
...La De Dah!
-Silence's Forum Picture
Name: Heather, Duh.
Join Date: March 29, 2004
Location: The Sunshine State.
Gender: Female
Blog Entries: 111
Default "Anorexic Logic"

I did NOT write this.
By: Lisa Arndt

I spend my day in a haze
with a list of rules
that sound crazy even to me
but in the end I guess we are all superstitious about something...

Do you want to hear them? Do I? (then they'll be real)
first one is simple:
no more than 500 calories a day.
then it's how I get those calories-
a rice cake is okay, but only half if it's a snack, whole if it's a meal
then there's tea
I can only have one tea bag a day
it doesn't matter how many cups of tea I want to make from that bag,
but it can only be one bag.
(So, how much time do you spend on breakfast?
I've lost touch with normal, I've floated far far away...)
Breakfast (I relish the name: breaking the fast)
which I have to eat, a non-fat muffin and vitamin C pill,
no matter what
and no lunch.
Dinner is a question- what if at three I had a snack?
(throw the other half of rice cake away)
or did I eat carrots and cucumber? That's usually okay
dinner can be cooked at the beginning of each week
a huge pot of steamed brown rice (makes up to four cups)
put in the fridge for later. (later never comes)
Only one cup of leftover rice a day- or brocolli (but not both)
and sometimes half a cup of frozen yogurt
depends on the day (did I exercise?)
and how many calories have I eaten so far?
(quick! add them up who says girls aren’t good at math?
Give us a diet and we’ll turn into wizards of self destruction)
I have to write them down, and always estimate higher (round up)
just in case a piece of gum snuck in there around 1pm
I wake up in a panic around midnight
afraid my collar bones aren't showing... I check
(deep breath)
I can sleep again.
there have been nights when I've dreamed of eating piles of food
m o u n t a i n s
and in the morning it always takes me a second to remember
that it was just a dream,
just a dream (thank god thank god thank god).
It is so satisfying to watch the flesh disappear
to feel my hip bones, razor sharp, rise against my side
because I am terrified of drowning in my fat
it's going to pull me under some day (any day now!!!)
I love walking around
feeling air between my thighs, stretching my calves to the ground
dancing in my room every morning
I've taken away all the mirrors in order to avoid
the jumping pounds hanging off my tired body
I've taken away all the mirrors
to avoid myself.
even I can see how crazy this all sounds
but part of me knows it's safe, it is so safe
safe and clean.
I am more anxious when I eat
so isn't it better to stop the nervous cancer and not eat?
that's what I've learned, after years of wondering,
that it is simply easier just not to eat.
then I'm not too heavy
never too anxious, and always wide awake
ready for anything.
(Life? Death? I can’t tell the difference anymore)
Then a new development in my regimend- diet pills-
small smooth pale yellow powder
quenchs my diminishing appetite
and let's me focus on other parts of my diminishing life.
people may think you have to be uneducated
to continue such destructive behavior,
but I am here to tell them
that I know better. I know better.
I truly do.
I am educated, aware, and informed on the latest statistics
A psychology major myself! (of course aren’t we all?)
but these don't compare to the feelings of safe
the Safe
that I need
that I find from dieting
my physical body may be on the line
but who would care to be healthy
if that means emotional unease?
it does for me.
my body knows that, it trusts that I'm mentally hungry for another year of anorexia
and doesn't question my painful pleas
one day this might be enough (enough enough enough)
I may outgrow this need.
that's what the books want you to believe,
it's just a high schooler's diet gone mad
but no adult would do such things!
I guess once again, I'm here to tell you-
here to prove you wrong.
chronic anorexia isn't for the fourteen year old crowd
I might even be less obvious, not quite enough of a freak
to put on the cover of the next magazine
but high school has long since been over,
and I still haven't found the strength to eat.
Can your textbook tell me why?
doesn't it have a chapter for me? Or yet another therapy?
Wake up, we all know that isn't what anyone needs
they only try to fix me
because they don't want to look at me
boney figure taking up space in the conference room again,
a grueling reminder that maybe
we don't have all the answers.

I HAUNT PEOPLE. I KNOW. (it’s all I have! It’s all I know!
My only talent, I fear, my only contribution to a starving world)

Some days even my lucky rocketship underpants won't help.
-Calvin & Hobbes.
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