I grew up until I was 14 not even knowing my dads name. Everytime she asked my mom she told he I had no father..i just came.
On December 28th 2001 my mom came home and had out first serious conversation. She had looked up my dad online and found out that he had died 15 months before. That day I learned his name.. and the day of his death for the first time. I also found out that I had 4 older siblings and lots of family that I never knew. I was sad that night..and weeks after. I didn't sleep, I didn't eat, I was a zombie.. My mom didn't even realize how far I was falling. I came to the point of almost killing myself, I would have had I not been so scared of death.
That spring I met my sisters when I went to the youngest ones HS grad. I was a freshman, virgin in all aspects, I was not ready to be in a sitution they put me in. Drinking..partying, sex.. I freaked out and they didn't understand why. To add to it, we did the math and mom was still married to our dad when I was created.. meaning I was the walking talking proof of an affair. Its been since fall of 2002 since they have talked to me.. each time I think about it my heart breaks more and more.
I have so much hate and ANGER at my parents, that at times its hard to bare. I hate him for leaveing me because he was to much of a whimp to deal with the mistake he had made. I hate her for keeping his identity from my and not making him pay for the mistake he made. I HATE THEM BOTH FOR HURTING ME SOOOOO BAD. I hate that they made me miss 14 years with the family that I LOVE so much. My older brother is the most wonderful person, and so are so many of the other family members.
this is only a pinch of the story.. the story that haunts my mind everyday. I just can't seem to move on. i can't forgive and forget. I've finally pulled out of the everyday depression, but it still hurts..and makes me sad all of the time.