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Old June 30th, 2005, 03:58 PM  
Join Date: June 30, 2005
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I wrote this story today. People don't take the time to read a good story about monsters and pirates anymore, it's a shame. I hope this... whoa... I just saw a dead wasp on the ground. I hope this story changes your mind if you're one of those people who hate stories.
I call this story...
Tale of the Damned Monster
One day he was this man walking down the street. His name was Tom. Tom liked to walk. Tom walked for hours and hours. Finally he saw it; Tom saw what he was looking for. It was beautiful. He saw a treasure chest in a bush at the park. Tom walked over to the treasure chest. Tom opened the treasure chest, and found twenty-one glass eyes, and a stuffed squirrel. "Oh" exclaimed Tom "what an odd squirrel. It's grey...” said Tom, because the squirrel was grey. Tom named his Squirrel ‘Donald Graham Fogg XXIV’ Tom tried to find some corn for Donald Graham Fogg XXIV. Squirrels like corn. Corn was Tom's favourite food. Sometimes Tom buys corn just to eat it with a Spork. Tom also likes to eat cranberry sauce and play roulette. However if he eats too much cranberry sauce, like a whole can in one sitting, Tom gets diarrhoea. There's nothing wrong with having diarrhoea too often. Sometimes people laugh at you, but you can ignore them and tell them from me to go and jump off a bridge. Tom played roulette because nothing made him feel like a winner as gambling did. Every time he felt down (and there weren't any children to yell at), gambling cheered him up. When playing roulette Tom always remembered these important rules;
1. The biggest mistake a new comer can make is betting on a number other than 17. This one time a man came up to a table Tom was playing at and placed a bet on 3, and everyone started laughing at him and then this trucker took him out the back door and raped him in the alley Tom almost felt sorry for him but it served him right for not knowing the rules,
2. When playing roulette, each player is given a different colour of chip so bets aren't confused with other players. If you get the pink or red collared chips, you're a loser automatically. The best colour for chips is green. If you can't play green, then forget about it because you're just going to get beat.
I’m wandering from the point, anyway…
Poor Tom, he couldn't find any corn for the squirrel. Tom didn't realize that the squirrel was dead. Tom rubbed the belly of the squirrel with his thumb, and suddenly the squirrel came to life. The squirrel was surprised to see Tom. He didn't know where he was, or what he was doing in Tom's hands. Then the squirrel leaped to Tom's neck and started gnawing on it! It was a horrible site. Gallons of blood spilled everywhere. But Tom was no ordinary person. He was really a robot, and it wasn't blood flowing from his neck, but molten lava. The squirrel burned to a crisp, and then Tom ate it. The squirrel was rubbery, and made squashy noises as Tom chewed on it. It tasted like vomit. Tom felt sick.
While Tom was finishing off his squirrel, some crazy Nathan Fry activists ran over and started beating Toms head in with a yard stick, screaming "Damn you Tom! Damn you to hell!” Tom threw up Donald Graham Fogg XXIV all over the Nathan Fry activists. There were chunks everywhere. People were screaming and running away, when suddenly Tom had an idea. He could go become a pirate. Pirates lived on huge ships made of wood. But there was a problem. Tom suffered from a rare disease that made his ears explode when he burped too loud. Being out at sea makes Tom burp. So Tom went anyway, and he burped too loud. Tom's ears exploded. The captain of the ship ran over to Tom to help him, but burned his hands off when he touched the lava pouring out of Tom's ears. The lava burned right through the bottom of the ship, causing the ship to sink and everyone aboard to die.
But Tom being a robot just laughed and laughed like it was funny when suddenly, Douglass’ ghost appeared

"Douglass here; just looking for Graham"
"Oh, well I've not seen Graham, however, Donald is on the agenda today. Would you like to look at my collection?"
"Collection of what?" inquired Douglass
"Leather pants" said Tom provocatively.
"Oh, I'd rather not; I'm just looking for Graham".
And Douglass’ ghost left the sea bed.
Mathew was a quiet man. He was quiet ever since the incident ‘Oh twaddle’ said Mathew Hobbs on the beach.
He was on the beach in remembrance of his long lost twin brother Graham. Graham ran away and joined the circus after realising he had an amazing talent to stand on his hands, singing the national anthem of Uzbekistan and balancing 46 spoons on his feet, all at once. Tom saw Mathew. Mathew played the violin very well because he was in his secret super-violin-playing-leather-pants or known in short as S.S.V.P.L.P
Tom and Mathew decided to pair up. And they got into all sorts of crazy adventures. However Mathew was sad, he missed Graham very much. Tom said “I know I’ll use my psychic powers,” because he had physic power. It turned out the Graham had not ran away but had actually been kidnapped by the evil Fogg and his renegade band of yams. The yams opened the window secretly with the evil powers Fogg gave them. They rolled over the purple carpet. And tied Graham up. Graham was dreaming of a little girl laughing at a hippo. I wonder why…
Graham was hooded and dragged by the evil yam partners; Boneghoul the Interred lemonsack liberal cast ooofingtons known in short as B.I.L.C.O
Anyway Tom was sleeping when he got a great idea; Blow up the moon. It's something Tom always wanted to do. Tom thought it's a great idea, and Mathew would support him because it would be fun. No more Mr. Big shot man-in-the-moon. Always pushing him around with tides and turning people into werewolves.
On the negative side, the sky would be kind of boring to look at if they blew up the moon. That's why they should build a giant robot monkey head in the sky that has shining eyes that always stare at you (like the man in the moon does when you're driving home alone at night) and shoots leather pants.
The only problem with this idea is that people would probably fight over what the robot monkey should be called. Tom says Fojar would be a cool name, but most people prefer Monkor. Tom doesn't think those people know what they're talking about. So they did it
The end… oh yeah Graham
Well Graham was being forced to perform all kinds of horrid acts; he once disobeyed Fogg and Fogg was forced to feed him spam and brussel sprouts. Graham was allergic to spam it made him itch and his beard turn borange a mixture of Brown and Orange. Mathew and Tom must find the magic words to release Graham or kill the head of B.I.L.C.O. and since they didn’t want to read (and it will extend the story) they decided to eliminate Fogg
It was a long walk but Tom was ok with it as he liked to walk. Until they came to it. It was a giant castle made from Cottoms pies. Outside the gate was General Herman Von Schmidt. General Von Schmidt was actually Chesney Hawkes’ evil alien twin. He was allergic to water. That was his weakness despite being able to walk around freely without a liquid tight suit on and it being the most abundant substance on the plant he still decided to live here (who cares about the rational explanation he’s an alien) but Tom had some friends. He had Lo pan; that’s right. I'm talking about the perpetuator of ‘ass-kickery’ himself, Lo Pan from Big Trouble in Little China: one of the best films ever made. (Lo Pan, for those of you who are adept at depriving yourselves of things that rule, is an evil war lord cursed to roam the world in spirit form.) Basically he runs around stomping people's holes that annoy him (which happens to be everyone), he also had; Gandalf the pimp
Gandalf walked across a magic crate full of enchanted pimp armour once. The armour rendered the wearer into a super-suave womanizing machine. After Gandalf discovered the magic garments, he journeyed to the land of the golden shower on a pilgrimage of self-discovery to unleash the true power of his staff. During his quest, he was accompanied by his friend from the east side, Cop Killa. Together they bring down the law and clean house on an illegal pimping monopoly which dominates the market of Burkina Faso.
So there they were Gandalf, Cop Killa, Lo Pan, Mathew and Tom. Stood out side the Cottom pie-dome A.K.A the JJB stadium. Lo Pan used his magic powers to unlock the gate “Alhambra” he said Gandalf who ironically didn’t believe in magic so he said “bah this stuff is all silly hoopla” (I’ve been dying to use that word). Lo Pan was very smug in fact he was being a bit of a “smuggy-wuggy”. When the gates opened they were surrounded by mimes they saw themself surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of mimes. All of them pointing and laughing at them. Mocking them. Pretending to sip tea. With their smug grins and painted faces. ”WHO ARE THEY TO LAUGH AT US?” Suddenly it started to rain knives from the sky. The mimes got pierced and maimed. Blood was everywhere. One of the mimes caught a knife in the side of his head. He screamed and cried, but all the other mimes were being impaled and couldn't help him. He looked at me and exploded. It seemed the hell they were in was turning into heaven. After it stopped raining, only pieces of the mimes remained. They could no longer torment me. they were free from hell. Or so they thought. I don't remember what happened next, but suddenly that girl was there. I hate her. Then there were more mimes. This time they were juggling and balancing chainsaws. Tom ran over to one of the mimes and took his chainsaw, saying "Oh, it seems I have your chainsaw. How do you like that, bizatch?" The mime shrugged, so he chopped off his legs.
(Mimes are worthless. If they'd get real jobs, we wouldn't be harassed by them everywhere we go. I'm sure there are mimes in hell. Mimes and all things stupid. Dancing makes me envy cripples. What the hell is wrong with people when mimes can still make a living?? Don't they understand that mimes are evil and should be shot? Greedy idiots, always stealing my sweets and throwing rocks at me. Throw rocks at me will you? I'll burn your house down. I'll laugh and laugh like you did so many times before. And then it will be my turn to not invite you to my birthday party. How do you like that? Stupid mimes.)
So the mimes were dead and then this man appeared and said “Arm the homeless” and just left. On level two there were zombies Tom was thinking about zombies just the other day, and about how much he hates them. They're always walking slow, moaning, and eating him. Well, at least they try to eat him (he doesn't let them). The problem with them is that they just don't know when to quit. You can shoot a hole through their chest, and blow their legs off, but they still keep coming at you. The best thing to do is to run screaming. But they'll follow you. So don't run screaming unless you're leading them into a trap.
Burning zombies isn't a good idea, as they won't die very easily and the smell is pretty bad. Tom dug a huge pit (called the Zombie pit of hell) and led them into a room with one entrance and one exit. After the zombies went into the room, he locked the door behind them and starts compacting the walls so they have no choice but to fall into the pit.
Once the zombies were in there, it was safe to go into the room to tease the zombies (they hate it when you pour battery acid on them). After he get bored teasing them, he told them that he’d let them out in half an hour. He turned off the lights and forgot about them. If his friends came over, Tom would tell them that there's a surprise in the room for them. As soon as they went in, he turned on the lights and starts the compactor walls. Laughed. Then, stopped the walls just before they fall in and say "just kidding". Then turned the walls back on for a few seconds just in case they thought he really was kidding. Everyone will get a good laugh. Thinking about them he did it right outside the castle so he ran in and back up the stairs, instead of taking every 9000 levels on until they got to FOGG. The lift opened and there he was. Graham in shackles his beard had overgrown. He was bearded. FOGG was dressed from head to toe in leather (Pink obviously) because Tom was wearing trainers FOGG yelled at him “Where are your shoes?” Tom was stunned FOGG’s supersonic bellow had opened the cut on his neck Tom extended his robot legs and the lava poured on FOGG. FOGG died. But Graham’s leather and spandex chains did not release. The Floor collapsed and there he was. Nathan Fry many said he had disappeared years ago… and he had to create B.I.L.C.O

If you're asking yourself "who the hell is Nathan Fry," you'd better step back and re-evaluate your life right now. Fry the living legend, was hiking up a cliff in southern Utah (probably to do something manly like take a leak off of it), when a giant boulder fell on him, pinning his arm against the ground. Most people would have just died, but did he surrender his life to a mere giant life-threatening boulder? Hell no. He just kept getting angrier and angrier until he finally CUT OFF HIS ARM WITH A DULL KNIFE. This after he literally chiselled away at the bone so he could snap his arm off and free himself from underneath the rock. Yes, you read that correctly, he cut off his own arm with a dull pocket knife.
Since I don't have any credible sources of what happened next, I'm going to go off of the next best thing: hearsay and rumour. After he cut off his arm, he jumped off the cliff and broke his fall with his face, just because he's that tough. Then he got ambushed by a tribe of angry Indians, caught an arrow in his heart, pulled it out and killed all the warriors with it. On his way back a buffalo crossed his path so what did Fry do? He head-butt it to death, then he found its offspring and broke their ribs just for annoying him. Then he chopped down a tree with his undoubtedly large ear, built a raft out of it and rafted down the green river. That's the damn truth--more or less. Nathan Fry is a real man and one tough son of a bizatch. He deserves utmost respect for being such a badass. So anyway Tom could not fight him so they had a peace treaty and ruled the universe together forever. Here's what happened:

First, they made everyone dress up like pirates (because pirates rule so much), and they had robots do everything (except for the work their slaves do; they'll be doing something pointless like trying to save the whales or something to that effect to keep them busy). Then they put all nuclear waste in Alabama (since the water there is already contaminated; how else can you explain all the birth defects? Inbreeding? Oh wait... never mind).
Then they passed a law that made it mandatory for everyone to vote for me in every election (so I'd always win bwahaha). They could, however, vote for someone else, as long as they knew who it was so they could bribe them ahead of time. Every once in a while they might fix the votes so it looked like it was a close election, but then I'd always win (because they passed a law saying so) to give people false hopes.
Next, they took all the toys and sweets in the world and put them in their pure ivory palace (I don't know what it is about endangered species that makes such great furniture), and they’d play with them all by themselves, until they got bored five minutes later and burned them in front of all the kids they took them from. They also took down all the TV and Radio stations and put up just one instead. They called it the "Submit to us or we will burn your house down and destroy your family" channel or STMOIWBYHDADYF for short. It would play their brainwashing tapes for at least 25 hours a day (directed by environmentalists, since they're so good at brainwashing), and shameless propaganda for the other two. Oh yeah, days now have 27 hours because they said so.
They did irrational things like make it illegal to go swimming on certain days, like it is now in Utah, and censor all forms of self expression by making freedom of speech (especially pornography) illegal, so conservative parents can go to video stores without being burdened by supervising their children. They made a holiday to exploit love, and make people buy silly little cards and boxes of candy to express their feelings for loved ones, except Valentine's Day is already taken. They made their birthday’s universal holidays and made everyone pay them a "privilege to be ruled" tax. With the money, they did something really pointless like found an organization that helped people who didn't need help, just to play with the minds of the low in spirit and poor.
They opened a telemarketing agency, and employ skilled workers for peanuts and let a few incompetent high school graduates run the company, and they instructed them to give everyone that knows what they're doing a hard time. They cut corners every chance they got and expected miracles to be performed with mere office supplies. Yeht ekam enoyreve etirw sdrawkcab. Thay chanjd the way werds were spelld. Then changed them back. They set France on fire (with the mimes still in it), and then they laughed. They laughed and laughed, like it was funny, much unlike Bob Saget's monologue. They had so much fun as rulers of the universe, they might get carried away and have sex with a 21 year old intern. But that would be irresponsible for leaders to do, wouldn't it?

l-------------------------------------------Le Fin------------------------------------------1
Well, what did you think? I think it's a great story. You're free to tell other people, as long as you give me credit.

and my teacher said it was immature
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