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Old June 22nd, 2005, 11:01 PM  
drsonoma
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Join Date: June 18, 2005
Location: Northeastern United States Of America
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I don't know what the hell to title this post. I don't know what the hell I'm feeling right now either. The thoughts in my head change every few seconds, and I feel like I'm going to snap. Since my dad's death on 25 April 2005, I find myself growing distraught, and more apathy feelings. As to my own life, I don't care that much. There isn't much that keeps me part of the game, and I have only two guesses on that. For one, I promised my best friend that I wouldn't kill myself, and he can tell when I'm depressed. I find that I don't enjoy shit out of life anymore. I don't care about really anything. I've tried caring about life, but it seems like whenever I do that, something happens. I watched my father die of heart disease for eight years. I was with him through the best and the worst times. I'd seen him have heart attacks, and other shit like that. Not complaining, but I feel that I might have not helped him as much as I could have. All those times I spent with my friends, and shit like that. I've also found the ability to think rationally has dropped too. A couple of months ago, I could think out any situation. Now, the most simple situations, (Like typing something coherent), appears to be a difficulty. As to friendships, I don't believe is dropping, but I find that talking to my friends has become harder, due to the thoughts I think about for hours at a clip. I don't tell my best friend, who is like a brother to me, most of what I think about. I just remain in silent mood. I've found that telling people personal thoughts can bite one right in the ass. Either that's just me being a untrusting, paranoid bastard, or it's true. I don't know which at this point. I very seldom feel in a decent mood, and I can feel the tension, the rage inside me building to the max. When I'm at social events, I don't care to approach people and say anything. I believe that is awakward for someone like me. I don't have any conversation with most people, probably nothing they'd like to discuss. Some months back, I brought up my feelings to my doctor, and he recommended me visiting a shrink, which I didn't do. I apologize if this post seems long and bitchy, but I've got a lot on my mind at this point.

\"It never got weird enough for me.\"

Hunter S. Thompson
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