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Old August 26th, 2013, 03:48 PM  
neophyte ietsist
Paraxiom's Forum Picture
Join Date: August 25, 2013
Location: Ireland
Age: 22
Gender: Neutral
Blog Entries: 3
Default Re: How did you first find out you were gay or bi?

Ever since I was 13 I started finding loads of guys' bodies physically attractive to varying levels. It was the hair and face that got me first, then their body came after. If that worked, I'd look at their personality. I was doing this all in my mind; the people I was attracted to knew nothing. There was one person I found very attractive physically but he insulted me, so that was the end of my attraction to him.
In 2009 I found someone in my year incredibly attractive and actually made me horny. I loves his appearance and personality, especially his hair, face, voice, the way he smiled, his body, and his sense of humour. He was also more of an introvert than an extrovert, similar to me. So I developed this obsession about him and tried to find out as much as I could about him without him or anyone else knowing anything. He went to the same TKD (TaeKwon-Do, a matrial art) classes that I did, so I got to stalk him more. Once we were doing a self-defense thing, where one person would lay on the other to trap the person. I had to go onto him once, and OMG. My heart was racing- I was touching him and I could even smell him. I didn't get a boner thankfully, or else someone would notice, probably him first
So I loved him until he left the school in June, since he didn't do the optional 4th year that I did, meaning that I still have the 6th and final year to do, while he does to university. So, since I could never see him again, the mood fluctuations I got turned into mood swings. Whenever I thought of him it sent me into depression. Unrequited love hurt sooooo bad .
With all this happening you'd think I new myself as being gay. But no. I knew all the feelings I was getting, but never made the connection with that and being gay. Whenever I heard the term I knew something made sense, but I still denied it. So I stayed in this state of self-denial and confusion, trying to see myself as someone different that what I actually was.
So I decided, with all the holiday time on my hands, to come out to my parents via a diary, where I wrote about my same-sex attractions, masturbation and other stuff I would never have the nerves to say. I put all the stuff I needed to say down on the paper from 1 to 5 AM on June 26th of this year, which happened to be a Wednesday, the day of the week I was born on . I then went to bed, got up at midday and was in a state of nerves, worry and excitement that I never got before in my life. I showed the diary to my mom between 10 and 11 pm, after an hour or so psyching myself up to do it. Then I spent the next hour outside the back of the house, in a field, pacing relentlessly and taking to myself about what I did, my inner reactions and opinions to this, my life so far, and what my parents/friends/other people would think of this. I was on the verge of crying, and extremely alert. Then I came inside at 11:15 and read some science magazines, shaking with fear. My mom came in with tears down her face at 11:45. She said she was crying out of pride that I did this etc. Then I cried, and we both talked about stuff in the diary for an hour after, using up the tissue boxes. That day was when I realized I was gay for sure, and came to terms with it. It changed my life.
My dad found out a day later, but he wasn't emotional, just using some kind wording. I wasn't emotional either, probably because I was watching come comedy stuff on youtube. In mid-July I came out to a friend, while on TKD summer camp (he does TKD too). I was nervous then too, but not as much.
Now, with school coming, I am ready to come out to some of my friends. And if it leaks out so much the better. Then I won't have to hide things anymore.
I still have to come out to my sister though, sooner rather than later. Must be done. CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.

Guess my answer is very long....
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