1) I saw a fat woman that had a sweatshirt that said "guess" on it and I said "Thyroid problem?"
2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked him to forgive me
3) I've often wanted to drown my problems but I can't get my wife to go swimming
4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder
5) I went to a dinner that serves "breakfast all day" so I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance
6) A cement truck crashed with a prison van on the Kingston bypass. Motorist are asked to be on the watch for 16 hardened criminals
7) Well I was bullied at school and called different names. But one day I sayed the whole "Sticks and Bones may break my bones" thing and from then on it was sticks and stones for the rest of the year
8) My Dad use to say" fight fire with fire" so I guess that's why I got kicked off the fire brigade
9) Sex is like playing Bridge: If you don't have a good partner you better have a good hand.
10) I saw six men beating a mother-in-law and my friend asked me "Aren't you going to help?" I said "No, six should be enough"
11) If we're not supposed to eat animals then why are they made of meat?
12) I think animal testing is terible; They'll get nervous and give the wrong answers
13) You know that look when women give when they want sex? No, me neither
14) Poloticians are great people. but they should stay away from things like working for a living.
15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend
16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu. I think I've forgotten this before