Re: I hate that I can't give this up
I can honestly say that I have been through the cutting situation before. I had hundreds of scars lining my left arm. My friends would freak out about it, but at the time, I remember thinking nothing of it. No big deal, it's normal.
Though the thing is, it isn't normal. It isn't normal to inflict harm on yourself because you feel that you have something wrong. It is almost like punishing yourself.
If you've seen or read the Harry Potter series, you know that every time Dobby the house elf makes a mistake, or any of the elves at that, he beats himself up over it by bashing his head in the wall and tormenting himself about it. In a way, that is exactly what being a cutter is like, except with a razor and more blood splatter. You are tearing yourself apart over minor mistakes. We all make mistakes, and sometimes we hurt so bad over our mistakes that we can't seem to find a solution to make them go away, but as a recovered cutter, I can honestly say that cutting never took my pain away.
Staring at those scars, I had wished that I had never started cutting. That I could make the scars go away and be normal like everyone else. But I had become addicted. Cutting was an "escape", but at the same time, I never escaped anything with it. It never cured a damn thing in my life.
When my mom saw my scars, I told her that our dogs had created them, but she knew what was going on. As obvious as you don't think it is to other people, sometimes you are wrong. Once it gets bad and you have numerous razor slash marks lining your arms, it is at that point that people know. She ended up seeking help for me and taking me to a therapist of which I saw only a few times with no intention to stop the cutting.
But I remember sitting in the doctor's office one day and crying, asking mom why she was doing this to me. For her to seek help for me just hurt at the time. I told her, "I'll stop. I promise, I'm better. I promise. I won't ever do it again. You don't have to do this."
I wasn't better, though. If she hadn't made me realize the severity of my problem, I would probably still be doing the same thing that I was doing three years ago.
It was at fourteen that I was dubbed a clinical depressant. It was at fourteen that I began cutting. It began as an experiment to see how it felt. I wanted to know what it was like after the 17 year old guy I liked at the time showed me his scars and asked me if I ever did it. His were nicks, but mine grew and grew over time. It began as a minor problem and grew to something big.
If you really want to stop this, I'd suggest seeking help about it. Seek a doctor or someone that you can talk to and trust to help you with your situation. Once you realize the problem, it is easier to stop, but I can promise you that it won't be a smooth ride. When it's over, at times you are still tempted to pick up that razor to cut or even kill yourself, but in the long run, once those razors are gone and you've gradually stopped thinking about cutting, your scars will fade away and no longer will you be punishing yourself for every little thing that goes wrong in your life.