how am i suppose to get over him
i met this guy. i thought he was a looser who only talks about sex and video games. and he had ugly long hair. one day he gets a haircut and looks way better, but he still talks about sex too much for me to be attracted to him. then he gets a girlfriend and starts hanging around after school to wait for her. i start talking to him more because i hang around after school too. i see that theres more to him and i see how he sweet he is to his girlfriend and i get jealous. he stops hanging around after school because she starts going home earlier so i talk to him less.
they eventually break up and he hangs around my group again at lunch. we start talking to eachother more. i think he likes me but i dont flirt with him because even though he's a nice guy, he talks about sex too much. a mutual friend tells me that he's always talking about me. this makes me think that he might genuinely likes me. we go out one night and we never ran out of things to talk about. we talked about everything. we even started getting into talking about relationship stuff. but later on it was more gazing into eachother's eyes wondering when he'll kiss me, but he didnt.
the next week, he barely talks to me and is talking to my friend about another girl. its disappointing but i think, "well, he's a loser anyways. what was i thinking?" a few weeks later we have summer vacation. i think about it more and it really starts to bother me. why would he do that? but by the end of the summer i feel i'm over it and i decide i'll be nice and forget it happened, but i wont talk to him too much anymore.
school started and i see him again and i shyly say hello, and he completely ignores me. i've had a class with him for 2 months now and he pretends he doesnt know me. its really upsetting. i havent done anything, how can he just do this to me? my friends say its because he thinks i'm too straight egde. well this guy drinks a little, big deal so do i, he's had sex with some very slutty girls, and he loves porn. but that night i was with him he said he'd wait if a girl wasnt ready, he told me he didn't like how he talks about sex so much but he doesnt know how to change, he talked about how he's lonely because girls judge him too quickly, and he made himself sound really vulnerable. and i talked about my relationship disappointments. i showed him my vulnerable side too. i havent had a boyfriend before and i think its the start of something really good. then he just suddenly decides he doesnt want to talk to me anymore.
so either i'm not a lovable person or he really is only looking for sex. i dont know which is worse. i havent had a boyfriend before so the first would explain that. i start looking at whats wrong with me and feel so ugly. if the second is true then i thought i knew him, how can i ever trust anyone? how could anyone be so cruel, after we got so close? whats going on in his head? there has to be a good explaination. but i guess it all just boils down to the disappointment that he's not who i hoped he was.
everyday i told myself how much i hate him. i have to see him everyday in class. i spent hours imagining what would happen if the horrible things i wish upoin him came true. then today i had to stay after to get my cellphone back from the teacher and she called him to stay. he was standing in the doorway when i was trying to leave and he held the door open for me. it was the first time this year i wasnt invisible to him. he's holding the door with his arm up high so i wouldnt have to duck and i had to get very close to him to get through and what i was feeling just felt so intense i wanted to scream. walking home i realized that i dont hate him. i still like him very much and i dont know why. if i could make him cry half the tears i've cried over him, i wouldnt. i want so badly to know what he's thinking, maybe he has a good explaination, maybe he's very sorry, i just want to know why. but i cant talk to him because he's the one who's ignoring me. and i'm afraid of what he'll say. i know its silly but part of me really hopes that one day he'll just come up to me and say something to make it all better. it hurts to see him everyday but i have to because i'm stuck in this class with him everyday until january when i have the option of changing periods. i dont know what to do