Re: My boook :D
Okay well I'm a little tired here at 5:00am, so I'll wait until tomorrow to give you a more thorough review of this.
First off, everything is somewhat.. long-winded. Do you know what I mean? In all my years at school, not a single english teacher has told me this, but after many long nights at a word processor, I learnt that you can have too many adjectives.
Second, be careful of how you portray the story's narrator, whether the story be first-person or third. In third, the narrator should be fairly neutral, the way I see things is that you're making it a little too 'dark' and even malevolent at the beginning.
This is what confuses me about your writing though. Where does the main character come in? The thing with first-person stories is that you can only write about the events that the main character (narrator) sees first hand, which is why the first bit of your story is a tad confusing.
Second, even in the type of introduction that throws the reader right into the middle of a dramatic scene, theres some sort of introduction to the setting. Rather than using suggestive language such as, "...yet she had little idea of the dark fate waiting for her," (that stuff gets old and monotonous very fast) try describing the setting as it is by default, (Say, what that house would be like on a normal night) and then slam the action on their suddenly. (It's much more interesting to read that way!)
Lastly, about this 'book'. If you hope to get this published, you must be careful. Once a 'book' is on the internet up for reading, it cannot be published. Second, you should type it out in a word processor first and not on the forums. You'll have more formatting options, and rather than rushing to eagerly post it, you can take your time, save a little bit, and continue whenever you like. Lastly, this first 'chapter' is a little short. Even in books with short chapters that I've read, an average chapter is about 5 or more pages. Sometimes even as much as 50. Take time before you begin writing to get your thoughts sorted out and get a good flow of ideas running.
If I messed up on any critique, please say so. I rushed through this a little, I think I could really just fall asleep at the keyboard any moment now.. (What do you expect, its five in the morning!)
Good luck with it.