Thread: Long rant.
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Old September 2nd, 2007, 09:30 PM  
Junior Member+
Join Date: May 19, 2007
Age: 26
Gender: Male
Default Long rant.

Maybe this is just sensless rambling, but i havn't been happy in a while. It's been a good two years since i felt like i had real hope of a good life. So many things have gone wrong, so many people who've found my deepest wounds and broke them open, so many ignorent people overrunning my life. Before i go into any specifics i really just need to say something about myself, and how i view the world.

I spend my time mostly reading philosophy, listening to music, and just pondering. I'm a deist,(if you dont know what that is please look it up,) I hate people who are stubbornly attached to thier dogmatic religions only because its what the adults in their life told them was right when they were kids, and i'm not affraid to stand up to anyone for any reason whatever the cost may be.

So here's some things that happened in the past and my takes on them.

toward the end of eighth grade everything changed in me. I was a shy and timid child. But during that year, i guess i grew up. I stood tall, i spoke loudly and clearly, and i never had an ill tone in my voice when speaking to girls my age. Well that summer Veronica came back to visit her aunt and uncle. She's Czech. she was beautiful, and i fell in love the instind i saw her. Everything about her seemed perfect. She laughed at all my jokes, she was beautiful, and most of all, she was interested in what i had to say. Well chris came back that summer too, to visit his dad (Chris lives in N.Carolina.) It was a good summer. Veronica, Chris, Chris's two cousins, and Eriks(Veronica's best friend in america) spent a couple days over at Veronica's uncles for swimming. We played some stupid game's like truth or dare and some odd Czech kissing game. I thought they were stupid, but i couldn't see why i should avoid them, at least for the summer. So what happened was Veronica left, but chris wasn't leaving for a couple more days, so it was just me and him(we tried to avoid his cousins and erika only really hung out with Veronica.) Me and Chris started talking about Veronica, i asked if he knew how old she was. He said ya she's 10. I was a little shoked. I was 14 so it made me feel a little awkward and guilty. All i can really say is she certainly didn't look 10.

Well next summer comes(i'll go back to my freshman year after i complain all the way about the summers inbetween) I had summer school that year, but i didn't think that that would be a big deal. All i really wanted to do was stay friends with Veronica, but make it clear to her that i didn't want a relationship with her. Chris come's back, and little did i know his cousin had moved in with Chris's dad. Cool, whatever i didn't care, i'd hang out with him too. His name was Brandon, and it didn't take long for me to learn that i didn't like him. He whined a lot, about everything. What we were doing, what video games we were playing, where we wanted to go, EVERYTHING. eventually he just stopped comming over with chris. Good ridence was all i had to say. Summer school started, and i wasn't getting home until about 3:00pm. Veronica came back. Chris, Brandon, Veronica and Erika were all just standing outside talking. I could feel something pulling me and Veronica together, i knew what she was thinking about because i was thinking the same thing. Erika got called in, a little later so did Chris and Brandon and it was just me and Veronica. I saw it in her eyes. i knew she wanted me to hold her, but dispite the want in my heart, i didn't. I didn't go swimming with them the first week of Summer school, mostly because i knew that i would feel awkward around her. But when i did finally go over that first weekend things went badly. She had become friends with Brandon, and me and brandon fought allot. I only went sporatically for the rest of the summer. Once, after i told him not to, Brandon pushed me in the pool when i had my back turned. I exploded. It's a good thing that he ran because i was pissed. I cused him out like i never to anyone before or since. That was the last time i went over that summer. Even after summer school ended i didn't go over. I only heard her speak one more time, and i will never forget it. I went into my garage to get a soda, but the garage door was open and i heard Veronica and Brandon talking next door. I went behind the wall in my backyard and i could hear them, but they didn't know i was there. The way they said "good bye" to eachother hurt more than any wound ever could. I saw their shadows hug across the street and then his dissapear inside while her's went back accross the street. I had stopped myself from being with her because she was four years younger than me, and i knew that even if she could have true feelings for me, she wasn't even close to being able to understand them. But he didn't take that time to reason that out. He obviously wasn't willing to make the self sacrifice neccesary to avoid hurting a little girl, or to even see her as a little girl.

Due to what had happened during my sophmore year at school(again i'll get to that later) i had decided to just avoid the whole situation. I wouldn't let myself get involved with her, but it also wasn't my responsability to protect her. Me and chris hung out a couple times, But once Veronica came back i didn't really see him much. I went over once, just to see exactly what was going on, and it was painfully clear that the collection of children who had assembled would all have preffered if i hadn't made an appearence. Without adding frivilous details here's what i had gathered in my few visits there, or to 7-11 with them. Veronica liked Chris not Brandon, Brandon(who is my age) was still in love with Veronica, and the reason that everyone there was angry at me was because they presumed that i believed i was better than them. Well all i can say is that i am better than them. I had thought that maybe Veronica could have been salvedged. But i was wrong. Every time i saw them they were the exact same people i hate so much. They listened to trash music, watched trash music, still were playing childish games, had limited vocabularies, were mentally stunted in the areas of reason and philosophy, and so much worse than all of that, were not willing to at least try to become better people than they were. So yes i am better than them, i am better than Brandon and chris who are old enough to be judged by their ignorence and immoral codes. i am better than a bunch of little kids who are all 10 to 12 years old who think their adults, and i will never miss a chance to reveal that to them ever again. The worst part is, i know that none of them will ever want to see beyond their own lives. Their young and easily manipulated, but their not being shaped by philosophers and scientists, but rather by trashy rap bands and the ignorent ideals of what constitues good men from poor ones.

well thats allot of readding so i'll let you all make comments on my expirience of how this genoration just sucks and is being fed nothing but ignorence from popculture. i guess i really just wanted to rant about that. Tomarrow, probably, i'll complain more about what happened during the school year. and the real reason why i'm upset (this just kind of ties in)

Do not remind me of my failures. I have not forgotten them. - Jackson Browne in These days.
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